Tales From The Other Railway

Character Profiles

Character Profiles

Meet all the dimwitted, devious and dastardly characters that make the Other Railway so depressing...

Other Railway Diesels

DIESEL

He's the Really Useless Engine we abhore!

Diesel is a diesel (No kidding!), one of the very first to be built on the Other Railway - which explains that horrible clanking he's made since 1965. While he claims to be 'revolutionary' and know everything, he is in fact lazy and arrogant, only willing to work if there's something for him in return. Hates joy, hope and steamies. Loves a certain Diesel Railcar who appears in all his copies of Playtrain magazine.

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: Diesel's Day Out

OLD STUCK-UP

The railway's chief express engine and local Upper-Class Twit of the Year for twenty years running. Old Stuck-Up is the ultimate personification of vanity, narcassicm and pretentiousness. He drinks only the finest oil and refuses to be rubbed down with anything other than 50 notes. For all his extravegance, however, he has not been granted membership to the DINING CLUB, for reasons best left unsaid. Loves himself, baiting paupers, himself, money and himself.

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: Diesel's Day Out

BOWLER

aka D4711. aka D261. aka "that picky tosser"

Bowler is an uppity passenger engine with chronic hypochondria, made even worse after a visit to Sodor where he accidentally ingested an Inspector's grubby bowler hat. Equal parts posh toff and paranoid twat, Bowler's idea of fun is having his buffers polished to the point of blinding all within a five yard radius. Phobias include children, animals, rain, mud, germs, dust, fumes, flowers, chocolate,  milk, bluebottles, hair, stamps...

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: The Not-So-Sad Story of Bowler

SPAMCAN

The railway's head goods engine and all-round hard nut. After humiliation at the buffers of a Sodor steamie many years ago, Spamcan decided to toughen up and he hasn't stopped since. He refuses to wash or even shave; partly because he revels in filth, partly to disgust Bowler, but mostly so he won't be confused with that posh twat, Old Stuck-Up. Loves a good scrap, not to mention a good scrapping.

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: Spamcan Sits Back

DEREK

The white sheep of the Other Railway clan. Derek is kind, polite and an overall gullible prat, which you'd assume would make him one of the more sympathetic engines among the locals. Too bad he has the worst cooling system ever devised by human minds. Derek has broken down more times than any engine on ride British rails. Ironically often found pulling the Breakdown Train. Has a big nose. Seriously, look at it. It's like a beach ball with nostrils.

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: Derek's Derring-Do

PIP & EMMA

The Other Railway's High-Speed Trains and Token Girls. Pip and Emma were hired to work on the Other Railway to avoid a sexism lawsuit and remain the only engines to actually run on time once in a while. An easy way to tell them apart - Pip is the sarcastic, sensible one, Emma is the cutesy-poo, ditzy one. Don't judge them by their gender, however - they can more than hold their own in a barney with the other diesels. Also known as Candy and Sugar (by the ignorant Thin Git, anyway).

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: We Need Another Engine By Court Order!

ARRY & BERT

A pair of exceptionally rude and aggressive diesel shunters. Arry and Bert were refugees fleeing the sacharine purgatory of Sodor when - after a series of hijinks involving the sewage train, the local brewary and the Brakefather - they were accepted into the Other Railway clan. Arry is the more violent of the two, whereas Bert is the more stupid. Can usually be found beating up trucks, engines and buffer stops for fun.

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: Hell, More Twins!

SCRAPPY

 

Once the rudest (and most expensive) truck on the railway, Scrappy got his comeuppance after being squashed by a long line of trucks and Spamcan's bum. He was salvaged by the cheapskate Farmer Giles and crudely rebuilt into something resembling a tractor. Still as rude as ever, he now lives at Compost Farm, often getting roped into the diesels' schemes against his will. Thinks Diesel is fat. He is, y'know.

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: Spamcan Sits Back

STEAMIE

The cuddliest, loveliest, most stomach-curningly cheerful engine ever to tread rails. Steamie was being interned on the Other Railway when he was exposed to the harshness of life via a prank by his designated mentor, Diesel. Unfortunately, this turned him into a scheming, giggling lunatic. Steamie is considered to be armed and extremely adorable, and is not to be approached by anybody. His latest court order forbids it.

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: Diesel & The Steam Engine, Episode 1: Plop Goes the Steamie

CROMWELL

An aloof gas-turbine engine built on a drunken whim. Cromwell was kidnapped from his workshop to make up the cast of new characters for Season 13, but was saved by Arry and Bert to become part of the Other Railway express fleet. His tender, Mr Bottomsly, has a mind of his own and less control of his bowels than Mrs Cruelly.

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: Saved From Crap

BOZO

A rare steam-diesel hybrid. BoZo is either a unique experiment in locomotive design or a horrible abomination of enginekind. Old, grouchy and more full of holes than a WAG's head. Second only to Derek in the breakdown department.

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: Swots & Steamies

DICK

Actually his real name is Montgomery. Everyone calls him 'Dick' because, well, he is one. A militant, megalomaniacal shunter with with a deep passion for ordering others about and shouting. A lot.

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: Dick Takes Over

THE BRAKEFATHER

The Brakefather was once one of the oldest diesels on the Other Railway until that fateful day he arrived at the oil refinary and his Driver chose that exact moment to take up smoking again. One explosion and hasty rebuild later, he began life anew as a rickety brake van, a conduit between the engines and the trucks. In his mind, he is the undisputed Don of the Yard. In everyone else's mind, he's a senile old dingbat.

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: Spamcan Sits Back

BERNARD

A boorish bus with a strong petrol addiction and an incomprehendable accent. Bernard hates the diesels with a passion and often tries to humiliate them or get the railway shut down, to very little effect. Hasn't been washed since the first day he rolled out of the depot. Once drank seven whole petrol stations dry in one short New Year's Eve and demolished a further three trying to get home.

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: Diesel & Bernard

BLOKEY

 A delightful young bendy bus as sweet and kind as he is utterly annoying. Longs for a world where Road and Rail can live together in perfect harmony. His motives, however, are not as squeaky-clean as his paint and teeth suggest...

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: Blokey

PRIVATE PARTS

A paranoid old military helicoptor who lives at the local airfield. Discharged from the armed forces many years ago after mistaking the QE2 for a German U-boat. Has more moustashe than common sense.

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: Diesel & Spamcan's Christmas Misadventure

SIR WYATT FRONTS

AKA "THE THIN GIT"

The current controller of the Other Railway. He is an ill-tempered man, always looking for a quick fix, a good bargain and a strong drink. Acquired his knighthood during the Cash-for-Honours scandal using five years' worth of profits (33.08 and twelve boxes of Strongbow). Loves his coffee, his cigarettes and the wee beasties that live in his mustashe. Hates his engines, his clients and often himself.


FIRST APPEARANCE: The Not-So-Sad Story of Bowler

MRS CRUELLY

The most horrible person on all of the Other Railway - and that says a lot! Formerly the owner of Britain's largest razorblade company, no-one quite knows how Mrs Cruelly became such a vindictive old bag. Some say she was born cruel, some say she fell into a vat of chemicals and some say she was created by an alien scientist to become the Ultimate Weapon. One thing, however, is certain: she looks repulsive in beachwear.

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: A Very Unmerry Other Railway Christmas

The Scarface Railway

SCARFACE

Scarface is a cabless, low-slung thug with the manners of a grizzly bear and half the patience. He spends his days pulling tacky tourist trains up and down the Scarface Railway, which he thinks belittles his manly image. The only reason the railway is even named after him is because the Wee B*****d considered him the most marketable engine in the fleet. Considering his workmates are psychotics, geriatrics and living fire hazards, you can understand why. Scarface hates work and will avoid it at any cost. This Author likes him already.

 

FIRST APPEARANCE: Four Little Eejits

RENEGADE
Renegade was bought up by the Scarface fleet after being fired from the local safari park's tourist line for beating up the animals. Renegade saved the railway from closure on its disasterous first day by holding the mayor hostage aboard the inaugural train, raising the line's public profile tenfold. He then spent the next several months in a shed up north at Her Majesty's Pleasure for running over the Wee B*****d's quad bike in celebration. Is fat.

FIRST APPEARANCE: Grumpy Auld Eejit
DAME EDNA
Formerly known as Stoat. Definately not a lady, despite what the solid gold nameplates say. Dame Edna worked on the Scarface Railway back when it was still owned by the local nuclear plant and doesn't look a day over 153. He is grumpy, crabby, surly and other mean words. He loves complaining, revenge schemes and proving others wrong. Once tried to hook up with Georgina the Excavator for a bet, only to be drowned in cheese and robbed blind. Speaking of 'blind', his glasses are hideous. Bleurgh.

FIRST APPEARANCE: Four Little Eejits
PETER FONDA

Formerly known as Ferret. Also one of the oldest engines on the line, though, unlike Dame Edna, he doesn't show it. What's his secret? Near-psychotic levels of good cheer. Peter Fonda is more excitable than a summer camp for hyperactive gibbons on amphetamines, which can make him quite the headache to work with. A convoluted revenge scheme by Dame Edna led to him being nibbled by goats and patched up with hot-pink car fenders, which he's worn ever since. He doesn't mind, though. Ladies love an engine in pink.

FIRST APPEARANCE: Sleepy B*****d

SMOKEY

Initially brought in to cover for the incarcerated Renegade, Smokey became a permanent member of the Scarface Railway when the Wee B*****d how marketable a steamie on the fleet could be. Smokey is polite, hard-working and a choking hazard to all around him. His ancient boiler and filthy firebox make him a living smokestorm of dirt and grime, so try not to wear white if he's on passenger duty.

FIRST APPEARANCE: Special Fenders

DINSDALE

Dinsdale is as yellow as his paintwork. Discharged from the Ministry of Defense for incomparible cowardice, he has the nervous disposition of an elderly chihuahua. The slightest noise will make him run for cover, which doesn't make him much fun at parties. Once accidentally caused a riot at a local death metal concert with the aid of a womanly shriek, a confused Private Parts and a dud bomb. Wet the shed every night for a week afterwards.


FIRST APPEARANCE: The Rock 'n' Roll Horror Picture Show

QUEENIE

Queenie is the oldest engine on the Scarface Railway and, quite possibly, the oldest thing in all creation. Being named after Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II gave her delusions of grandeur and led to a reign of terror unseen this side of Skaro. When the old nuclear plant closed, Queenie dumped her collegues in one of the mines and retired to a mansion in Berkshire. When the Wee B*****d reopened the railway, however, he and some workmen stole Queenie back and sentenced her to a lifetime of servitude with the Scarface engines. She remains there to this day, just as horrid as ever.

FIRST APPEARANCE: Sleepy B*****d

MR PERSONAL
AKA "THE WEE B*****D"

The controller of the Scarface Railway, a short, shrewd Scottish businessman with no sense of good taste whatsoever. He bought the old nuclear plant line years after its closure and turned it into the tackiest tourist attraction in town. Once train-napped the Thin Git's entire engine fleet just to make sure he wouldn't have any competition his first few months in business. Owns an extensive collection of novelty ties, which have been known to blind people for weeks on end.

FIRST APPEARANCE: Sleepy B*****d

GEORGINA

A chavvy little road-rail excavator who helps maintain the line. Georgina hates posh people and makes it her life's work to see them as miserable as possible. Once had a brief affair with Dame Edna, which left her one set of golden nameplates richer. Is well good innit.

FIRST APPEARANCE: Excavator

MILLICENT

A trampy tramp steamer who works at the harbour. She lives for attention and will do anything to get it, from flirting with trucks to 'hugging' diesels who fall off the docks and get trapped in her hull doors. Spamcan found that out the hard way. Currently to be found shipwrecked on the beach as a romantic hideaway for horny honeymooners. Not that Her Nautical Naughtiness minds, of course.


FIRST APPEARANCE:
Especially Fatal Attraction

DISCLAIMER: Tales from the Other Railway is entirely ficticious. Any resemblance to persons and engines living or dead is purely coincidental and not a result of me just writing about all the crazy shit I've seen while travelling to work on Old Stuck-Up's express each morning and screwing the Thin Git out of millions in merchandising royalties. Besides, he can't prove a thing. I'm rich now! Hahahaha