Tales From The Other Railway

Pip & Emma's Magical Manners Adventure

Pip & Emma's Magical Manners Adventure

Here, Pip & Emma learn the best way to get what you want on the Other Railway - shout and intimidate people with violent threats and abusive language!

It was springtime for the engines on the Other Railway (winter for Poland and France). The sun was blinding and the pigeons were warbling. Pip and Emma usually loved this time of year. They thought the railway had never looked more tolerable.

But that night, there was a big and overhyped football match. Drunken fans swept across the city. Lampposts were knocked down, a monument of Dr Beeching fell over and the roof was torn right off Mr Craps' supercasino.

Pip and Emma were very pleased to be safe and warm in the cramped shed. Well, as safe and warm as living in a wooden shack can be. They could hear the fans outside, but Spamcan's snoring soon drowned it out.

The next morning, Pip and Emma couldn't believe their eyes. The fans had made a terrible mess, leaving broken bottles and rolls of toilet paper all over the line!

The Thin Git soon came to the Shed, carefully tip-toeing round a pile of abandoned fish suppers.

"The fans have torn the roof off Mr Craps' supercasino," he said. "Unless it is fixed right away, the lonely gamblers will be cold at night and my weekends will be ruined. Candy and Sugar, you must steal some timber so it can be fixed."

"But sir," said Emma, "we're Express engines. We weren't built for goods work, remember?"

"Can't you ask someone else to do it?" asked Pip.

"You know I would, Candy," said the Thin Git (Pip rolled her eyes), "but everyone else is too busy clearing up the rest of the mess. I pity poor Bowler on vomit patrol, I really do."

"Oh, alright, sir," said Pip.

"We'll go," agreed Emma.

"That's my girls!" said the Thin Git. "Now, hop to it! My fruit machine arm is twitching already!"

Pip and Emma reluctantly rolled over to the timber yards. When no-one was looking, they buffered up to the timber wagons and raced off to Mr Craps' as fast as they could.

But the fans had caused lots of damage to the lines. Workmen and lorries were half-heartedly clearing dustbins and wrecked cars from the tracks. The twins wanted to go quickly, which was only natural being High-Speed Trains, but they couldn't go at all.

"Oh fiddle," they sighed as they stopped again. Scrappy the Tractor and a gang of workmen were trying to move a portaloo from the line, but their collective bad mood meant moving it was taking a long time.

"Can you please move this for us?" Pip purred patiently from the rear. "Our load's for the lonely gamblers."

"Take your time, don't rush," added Emma and she tooted politely.

Scrappy was working as half-heartedly as he could. He was cross that he didn't get to see the football match. After almost an hour of grumbling and wrinkling his nose, he pulled the portaloo off the track; but the twins didn't race off complaining about the great delay. All they said was "Thank you!"

Every time they came across workmen clearing the track, they tooted pleasantly and hummed encouragement. This made the workmen cross, as they were all hungover from the night before, but the twins thought it raised their spirits and made them work harder.

Then Pip and Emma came across a fallen statue of Lady Thatcher. It had crashed onto their line and lost its head.

"Oh cheese and biscuits!" they sighed.

Bernard the Bus had been forced to help the workmen push the statue off the track, but it was very heavy and he couldn't be bothered. Pip and Emma decided to encourage Bernard too.

"Do please help clear our line!" said Emma brightly.

"You'll be helping the lonely gamblers!" added Pip sunnily and they tooted as politely as they could.

"Nat if ye're gonna feckin' patronize me, oi won't!" snapped Bernard crossly.

"We're very sorry, but this is rather important," said Pip diplomatically.

"We're really appreciate it if you helped us," said Pip, but Bernard didn't listen. He simply went back to doing nothing. The twins tooted politely again, but the more pleasantly they asked, the more reluctant Bernard seemed to be. Pip and Emma started to think they would never get to Mr Craps' supercasino. The sky was growing dark and night was on its way, along with hundreds of depressed townsfolk looking to throw their money away.

After nearly two hours of waiting, Diesel arrived bringing vans full of rioters. He was on his way to the police station.

"Oh, it's you two," Diesel groaned.

The twins started complaining about Bernard.

"He won't do a thing we ask him!" said Pip.

"We're being really nice too!" added Emma.

"That's because you're a pair of big girl's buffers!" snorted Diesel. "You should try demanding for a change! That's the only way anything gets done around here!"

Pip and Emma didn't like being called 'big girl's buffers', especially by a snivelling toad like Diesel, and they didn't want to seem demanding; but it would be nighttime soon and the lonely gamblers still didn't have a roof over their heads.

So Pip and Emma took a deep breath...

"OI!" barked Pip. "What're you playing at, you d**ned dirty drunken Dubliner!? Get off your big fat wheels and shift that old harpie RIGHT NOW!"

"Our sh*t's for the bloody lonely gamblers!" shouted Emma. "So clear the line or we'll shunt that statue RIGHT DOWN YOUR BOOZY OLD THROAT!"

Bernard was alarmed. "Oh, um, eh, wh-whoi certainly!" he stuttered. "Ah-ah'll get yer loine cleared in nae toime, t'be sure! Hehe!"

Bernard pushed with all his intoxicated might. The statue was heavy, but with a mighty heave, the track was clear.

"Thanks for nothing, you bus b*****d!" cried the twins and raced on as fast as they could.

It was nearly opening time. Pip and Emma knew the lonely gamblers would be getting cold, so whenever there was something on the track, they took a deep breath and shouted "MOVE!" and "HURRY UP!"

At last, the twins arrived at Mr Craps' supercasino and the timber was quickly unloaded. The supercasino was soon repaired and the lonely gamblers snuggled down on the hard, ripped stools by the fruit machines.

"Thank you, Pip and Emma!" said Mr Craps. "The gamblers will be nice and warm now."

"Don't mention it, you ugly tw*t!" smiled the twins.

Pip and Emma were very pleased. They had arrived on time and acting like a big fat moron was all they had to do.


Tales From The Other Railway - Series 2 / Story 6
Based on Emily's Adventure - Written by Paul Larson