Pip and Emma were getting used to life on the Other Railway. Their spirits were high and they hummed pleasantly
as they raced along. They were taking empty-headed bankers to the stock market in town. The sun shone behind a wall of black
clouds and pigeons warbled, but the twins were heading for trouble.
"Come on, come on!" they chirped.
buy, buy, buy!" screamed the bankers.
Pip and Emma hummed and swayed, the bankers panicked and screamed. It had been
a rough week for them.
Some chavs were fighting nearby. They were not used to High-Speed Trains. The tidy passengers
and expensive facilities disturbed them. As the twins rocketed by, they crashed through a fence and into the side of the train.
A coupling was broken, and Emma and the last few coaches were left behind in the middle of the fray.
Pip felt a jerk,
but didn't take much notice. She was used to bankers.
"Bother those bankers," she thought. "Why can't they come quietly?
Nationalisation isn't the end of the world, you know."
She was at the next station before either she or her Driver
realised what had happened. They had to call in three dozen riot police before Emma and the coaches could be rescued.
Bowler and Old Stuck-Up heard about the accident, they laughed and boasted. Well, more than usual.
chavs to break their train!" they scoffed as Emma was bandaged up. "They wouldn't dare do that to us! We'd show them!"
was cross. "You couldn't help it, ladies. These posh twits have never met chavs up close. I have and I know the trouble they
"That's because you're just like them, Derek," sniffed Old Stuck-Up. "Dirty, uneducated, useless..."
lost cause," put in Bowler.
"Says you!" said Derek, overheating again.
Some days later, Old Stuck-Up was taking the Express. He rushed through a station where Pip and Emma were collecting more
"Poop poop! Mind the chavs! Hurry, hurry, hurry!" he called. Emma flinched. Pip gave him a piercing
glare as he whooshed away.
"Don't be such a tw*t, don't be such a tw*t!" grumbled his coaches.
A long stretch
of delapidated line lay ahead. In the distance was a bridge; and by bridge, I mean a piece of track propped up by old tent
poles. At any rate, it seemed to Old Stuck-Up that there was something on the 'bridge'. His Driver thought so too.
Stuck-Up!" he said and threw his anchor overboard. The Express engine had been having brake trouble again.
Old Stuck-Up. "It's only a CHAV. Shoo! Shoo!"
He moved slowly onto the bridge, but the Chav didn't shoo. He had lost
his girlfriend and felt pissed off.
"What you lookin' at, ya diesel b*****d?" he said angrily.
to send him away, but he wouldn't go. He spat on the Driver, beat up the Guard and tried to take a leak in Old Stuck-Up's
At last, Bowler arrived on the opposite line. He was taking politicians to a court hearing.
this?" he sniffed. "A Chavvie? I'll soon settle him. Bog off! Bog off!"
"Bog off yerself, ya shiny tw*t!" said the
Chav and threw his bottle of Bacardi Breezer at him. Alcopops flew everywhere.
Bowler backed away nervously. "I-erm-don't
want to hurt him," he spluttered. "Yes. That'll do."
"Get back here, coward!" barked Stuck-Up, as the Chav started
using his nose as a cigarette holder.
At the next station, Bowler's Guard told them about the Chav and warned the Signalman that the politicians might try and
"That must be Burberry Bill!" sighed the Porter. "His girlfriend is here, waiting to go to the stock market.
They've been mugging bankers there for weeks. We've called Diesel to take her away. She's already destroyed the ticket office
and keeps trying to plant heroin on the Stationmaster!"
At the bridge, there was chaos. Burberry Bill had beaten up
Old Stuck-Up, stolen his buffers and was now spray-painting rude words on the coaches. The Express engine was now feeling
very silly indeed, not to mention sore.
Eventually Diesel arrived with a van of policemen and the Chav's girlfriend.
Burberry Bill was very pleased to see his ho' again and the Porter led them away to be prosecuted.
"Not a word! Keep
your trap shut!" whispered Bowler and Old Stuck-Up to each other. They felt utterly humiliated; but like the Chav's girlfriend's
legs, the story soon spread.
"Well, well, well," chuckled Emma in the shed that night. "Two big engines afraid of a Chav?"
said Old Stuck-Up. "We didn't want the stupid thing to kill himself by running into us. We stopped so as not to execute him.
You see what I mean, dear ladies?"
"Yes, lads," grinned Pip.
Old Stuck-Up felt, somehow, that the twins saw
only too well.
Maybe it was the black eye and spray-paint breasts that did it.