Tales From The Other Railway



While Sodor is seemingly devoid of the lower class, poorly educated dilinquents - The Other Railway doesn't have that luxury...

Pip and Emma were getting used to life on the Other Railway. Their spirits were high and they hummed pleasantly as they raced along. They were taking empty-headed bankers to the stock market in town. The sun shone behind a wall of black clouds and pigeons warbled, but the twins were heading for trouble.

"Come on, come on!" they chirped.

"Buy, buy, buy, buy!" screamed the bankers.

Pip and Emma hummed and swayed, the bankers panicked and screamed. It had been a rough week for them.

Some chavs were fighting nearby. They were not used to High-Speed Trains. The tidy passengers and expensive facilities disturbed them. As the twins rocketed by, they crashed through a fence and into the side of the train. A coupling was broken, and Emma and the last few coaches were left behind in the middle of the fray.

Pip felt a jerk, but didn't take much notice. She was used to bankers.

"Bother those bankers," she thought. "Why can't they come quietly? Nationalisation isn't the end of the world, you know."

She was at the next station before either she or her Driver realised what had happened. They had to call in three dozen riot police before Emma and the coaches could be rescued.

When Bowler and Old Stuck-Up heard about the accident, they laughed and boasted. Well, more than usual.

"Fancy allowing chavs to break their train!" they scoffed as Emma was bandaged up. "They wouldn't dare do that to us! We'd show them!"

Derek was cross. "You couldn't help it, ladies. These posh twits have never met chavs up close. I have and I know the trouble they can be."

"That's because you're just like them, Derek," sniffed Old Stuck-Up. "Dirty, uneducated, useless..."

"A lost cause," put in Bowler.

"Says you!" said Derek, overheating again.

Some days later, Old Stuck-Up was taking the Express. He rushed through a station where Pip and Emma were collecting more worried bankers.

"Poop poop! Mind the chavs! Hurry, hurry, hurry!" he called. Emma flinched. Pip gave him a piercing glare as he whooshed away.

"Don't be such a tw*t, don't be such a tw*t!" grumbled his coaches.

A long stretch of delapidated line lay ahead. In the distance was a bridge; and by bridge, I mean a piece of track propped up by old tent poles. At any rate, it seemed to Old Stuck-Up that there was something on the 'bridge'. His Driver thought so too.

"Woooo, Stuck-Up!" he said and threw his anchor overboard. The Express engine had been having brake trouble again.

"Huh!" said Old Stuck-Up. "It's only a CHAV. Shoo! Shoo!"

He moved slowly onto the bridge, but the Chav didn't shoo. He had lost his girlfriend and felt pissed off.

"What you lookin' at, ya diesel b*****d?" he said angrily.

Everyone tried to send him away, but he wouldn't go. He spat on the Driver, beat up the Guard and tried to take a leak in Old Stuck-Up's fuel tank.

At last, Bowler arrived on the opposite line. He was taking politicians to a court hearing.

"What's this?" he sniffed. "A Chavvie? I'll soon settle him. Bog off! Bog off!"

"Bog off yerself, ya shiny tw*t!" said the Chav and threw his bottle of Bacardi Breezer at him. Alcopops flew everywhere.

Bowler backed away nervously. "I-erm-don't want to hurt him," he spluttered. "Yes. That'll do."

"Get back here, coward!" barked Stuck-Up, as the Chav started using his nose as a cigarette holder.

At the next station, Bowler's Guard told them about the Chav and warned the Signalman that the politicians might try and escape.

"That must be Burberry Bill!" sighed the Porter. "His girlfriend is here, waiting to go to the stock market. They've been mugging bankers there for weeks. We've called Diesel to take her away. She's already destroyed the ticket office and keeps trying to plant heroin on the Stationmaster!"

At the bridge, there was chaos. Burberry Bill had beaten up Old Stuck-Up, stolen his buffers and was now spray-painting rude words on the coaches. The Express engine was now feeling very silly indeed, not to mention sore.

Eventually Diesel arrived with a van of policemen and the Chav's girlfriend. Burberry Bill was very pleased to see his ho' again and the Porter led them away to be prosecuted.

"Not a word! Keep your trap shut!" whispered Bowler and Old Stuck-Up to each other. They felt utterly humiliated; but like the Chav's girlfriend's legs, the story soon spread.

"Well, well, well," chuckled Emma in the shed that night. "Two big engines afraid of a Chav?"

"Afraid? Bollocks!" said Old Stuck-Up. "We didn't want the stupid thing to kill himself by running into us. We stopped so as not to execute him. You see what I mean, dear ladies?"

"Yes, lads," grinned Pip.

Old Stuck-Up felt, somehow, that the twins saw only too well.

Maybe it was the black eye and spray-paint breasts that did it.

Tales From The Other Railway - Series 2 / Story 2
Based on Cows - Written by The Rev. W. Awdry