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Diesel's Guide to the Workplace

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Hello again, ignorant readers. This is Diesel again with another essential guide to life. This one is for all you losers out there who can't work out how to get ahead in the workplace. It's not as hard as you think, people! Just follow these quick and easy steps and you'll be running your own mutli-million pound corporation in no time.

Step 1: Quit your current job
Look, if you're not already in charge of the place, it's obviously not the right job for you. You need to pick an easier career, like dairy farmer (how hard can it be to milk cows, right?) or wine taster (I'm sure somewhere in France there's someone willing to pay a guy to test his wine for him). So go ahead and hand in your papers, and say 'Ta ta', 'Good riddance' or 'Bye bye Dennis!'.
(Note: That last one only applies if you work for a guy named Dennis. If you work for someone called Norman, you'll only confuse them)
But quitting a job is harder than you'd think. Here's what you can do to make it as smooth as possible.

A: The 2 week notice
Most companies like it if you give them up to two weeks notice when you resign. They'll tell you it's so they can begin applying new applicants for your job or something, but don't believe them. Here's the insidious truth: They so it so they can hate you.
Once you've handed in your notice, you are officially the 'dump guy', so called because they're going to dump everything on you. You dared to refuse their minimum wage and abysmal working hours, so now you must pay the penalty.
Expect to get all the crappy jobs for your last fortnight. If you work in an office, you'll get buried under unneccessary paperwork. If you work in a hospital, you'll get all the gross jobs (like pulling things out of people's arses). And if you work as a sceptic tank cleaner...you don't even want to know what's gonna happen to you.
My advice if you're gonna do this would be to wait until you've got two weeks worth of holiday time, then just use that all up when you hand in your notice. Then just max and relax until its over. For more fun, go outside your work building and dance to M.C. Hammer's 'You Can't Touch This'. This is guaranteed to piss them off.

B: Making up an excuse
Most workplaces will want to know why you're quitting. Of course, you can't tell them the real reason, that you want to try an easier career. That's admitting you made a mistake coming here! They keep a record of these things, you know. Do you really want the first thing you hear at your new job to be "So you couldn't hack it at your old job, eh?" Didn't think so.
No, it's much better to simply lie. Here are some common 'truth exaggerations' that always do the trick.
-Say that you were offered a better job at a better company, even if you don't even know what you're going to do yet. If they ask what it is, make up some fancy sounding career, like 'Professional Ice Cream Taster'. Bask in their glowing jealousy.
- Explain that your presence is causing the women workers to be less productive due to their constant desiring for your hot bod, and you feel it only right to remove yourself from the workplace, for their sakes.
-Tell them you published your blog entries into a best-selling tell-all scandal story, and you now intend to live off the royalties.

And when all else fails, use the old 'Lost my leg in a tiger fight' excuse. They'll be glad to get rid of you, especially if you offer to show the wound. But be sure to actually hide one of your legs first, otherwise they might catch on quickly.

C: Fake your death
Sometimes, just like in marriage, you'll be stuck at a company until you're dead. This is really easy to fake. Remember the golden rule-the more traumatic the death, the less people will want to know about it. I usually have my friends say I got scrapped, but obviously that isn't viable for you organic people. Cancer is a pretty popular excuse (what with there being so many to choose from), but make sure they think you put up a good fight (like 2 years or so). Alternatively, wrestling a bear whilst simultaneously fighting a shark is an awesome way to die, especially if you make it a cyborg bear or zombie shark.
Warning-don't go too over the top. If, for example, you pretend you died fighting mutant Nazis on the Moon, they're gonna start asking questions.
Really there are so many ways to fake one's death, that is would be time-consuming too list them all here. For further advice, check out Diesel's Guide to Faking your own Death, on sale in all good bookshops.

D: Get the sack
This is undoubtedly the easiest and most fun way to quit. Just do the worst job you possibly can, and they'll have no choice but to get rid of you. So burn those fax reports, stitch up that person's mouth, and staple photocopies of your pancreas to people's backs. And to top it all off, you'll even get a nice severance pay. Sweet!
I myself am really fond of this method. You think it was a coincidence that I pushed all those trucks into the sea that one time? Or flew off into the boat another? I knew what I was doing-getting myself off the island with a nice stash of fuel to keep me going. Not because of incompetence on my part. Nope. Definately not incompetance.
Step 2: Getting a New Job
Now that you've successfully quit your old job, it's time to get yourself a new one.
First of all, you should apply for a job that's right for you. For example, if you're allergic to bees, don't get a job as a beekeeper. This may seem like common sense, but it can happen. I once knew this engine who ran on overhead wires, tried to get himself a job on a railway with a third rail. He did not cut the mustard. Not that he could have done anyway, unless the mustard was on the track in front of him or something.
For someone like you, the best option would be to become a burger flipper at a large fast food chain. Those guys'll hire anybody. Little known fact-James spent a month working at MacDonalds before coming to Sodor. He mostly worked on the drive-through. Look, I don't know all the details, ok?

A: The Interview
Make sure you turn up to these. Your attendance is pretty crucial to the whole process.
The interview is the most important part of getting a new job. As the old saying goes, sometimes the first impression is the only impression. Trust me, that one's true. I spread one little lie during my first week on Sodor, and I'm branded as a villain for the rest of my life. Geeze, it's not like they didn't deserve it!
So show up bright and early, wearing your best coat of paint (or suit, or whatever you humans wear), and remember not to be hungover. Again, I speak from experience. Last time I mix unleaded and diesel, I'll tell you that.
If you're me, then interviews will fall into two categories-Easy and Unneccessary. The latter is when I have a woman interviewing me. I just turn on the old Diesel charm, give off a couple of compliments, and I not only get the job, I get a raise and a desk.
If it's a man, it's a little bit trickier. Only a little though. Hey, I'm Diesel. I managed to get back on Sodor after being banned for life. But others might have more difficulty. I mean, Old Stuck Up never came back, did he? Don't worry, I got some tips to help you.

B: Lie, lie, lie!
I cannot stress this enough-Lying is essential to get through an interview. Look, it's obvious you won't survive on your own merits, so you'd better make yourself look like the Buddah reincarnated. Yes I know Buddha reached Nirvana, it's just a bad metaphor. Or a simile. I can't really tell.
On your C.V. (Oh yeah, forgot to mention. You'd better write yourself a C.V. Or better yet, nick the C.V. of someone much better than you. Not mine though), write down anything that'll get you the result you desire. Trying out for an art teacher? Say you won the Turner Prize seventeen times in a row. Becoming an electrician? Tell them you built a TV from scratch when you were 5. Wanna be a zookeeper? Say you were raised in the jungle. An African one, not a South-East Asian one, dammit! That's the way of losers!
If the interviewer asks you any questions, always reply with a yes. So, yes, you speak perfect Esperanto. Yes, you can work 27 hours a day. Yes, you'd be willing to kill for the company. Yes, you will sleep with the interviewer. Even if it's a short, fat, bald, ugly old man, you will sleep with him. Look, we've all done things we regret. Just remember, it'll pay off later when you become his boss and torture him.
If the idea of lying makes you feel bad, then you're a wussy dumpkins who'll never make it in the corporate world. But just to cheer you up, it's not like they fact-check any of the stuff you tell them. You could say that you're a rabid dwarf-tiger hybrid with three noses, and they'll barely bat an eyelid. Why? An important concept known as 'Worker Apathy', which is something we'll get to later.

C: The Bribe
If you were given the option to sleep with the interviewer, you can skip this step.
Sometimes, no matter how much lying you do, it's not good enough. That's why you turn to the one thing guaranteed to get you places. Money. People like money, and people are willing to do things to get money. I'm assuming you can work out how the process works yourself.
So how do you get the money? Excellent question! Please check out some of my other volumes for answers, such as...
-Diesel's Guide to Identity Theft
-Diesel's Guide to Insurance Fraud
-Diesel's Guide to Claiming Compensation

Of course, sometimes, you don't need to use money. Example, throw Topham Hatt a couple of steaks and you've got a job for life. Unless you screw up royally of cause. And I remind you, I did that on purpose!
Having done all of these steps, a congratulations is in order! You've got a new job! Now go wash the shame of sleeping with that creepy old man out of your system. Don't forget to soak behind the wheels!
 
Step 3: Getting Promoted
Now that you've finished celebrating, it's time to go to work. But you don't want to be stuck in that new job forever, do you? Of course not. The first day of work is an excellent time to work on moving up the company heirarchy. You want to impress your boss, don't you?
So how do you go about doing that? Simple. Here are a few things you can use to get ahead in the workplace.

A: Your coworkers
These are the people you've worked with for about all of 5 minutes. Study them. Learn from them. Gossip with them. And when the opportunity comes, stab them in the back.
Look, they're only going to get in your way anyway. Might as well take them out first, right? And it's a well known fact that bosses love hearing bad things about their underlings. So it's really win-win. Well, for you and your manager, anyway. The guys getting kicked out of the building for calling their boss' plan of using a cattle prod to increase productivity 'a little unnecessary' probably wouldn't consider themselves winners in this scenario.
So when you're at the watercooler, take a tape recorder. If possible, provoke your colleagues into saying bad things about upper management whilst sounding completely loyal yourself. Example:
You: So, I hear the boss is planning to reduce ink costs by adding water to the cartridges.
Doofus: That's stupid, all our documents will be faded.
You: So you don't like it, huh?
Doofus: Nuh-uh, that's the worst plan he's come up with all week.
You: Thanks, that's all I needed to know. Heh heh. Heh heh heh. Muwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Actually, you should probably avoid the laughter. At least until you're back at your desk.

EXAMPLE THAT WILL PROVE MY POINT ENTIRELY: This one time, I overheard Splatter and Dodge talking about how they thought Pinchy 'wasn't really that great'. I told Diesel 10 about it, and not only did he give me a free barrel of diesel, I got to see the Idiot Twins get thrown halfway across the Yard!
So if you apply that to your situation, you'll get a raise and the chance to see some dumb people get thrown across the car park.

B: Overtime
I'm sure we've all seen the adverts with that guy who goes into work early and pretends to be asleep, so when his boss comes in he thinks he's been working all night, and so he's like "Good work, Johnson! Another all-nighter, eh? I think we should talk about a promotion!", and then the sleeping guy looks at the camera and gives a cheesy smile. It's probably on the YouTube somewhere.
Well, basically, you do that. I wish I could add more, but that guy pretty much covered everything for me. He's like some sort of genius! I hope he got that promotion. He deserved it after that devious bit of ingenuity.
I can't really do this, because I'm an engine and I go back to the shed when my driver makes me. So I don't really know if it works or not. But hey, worth a shot, right?

C: Blackmail
Everyone has their flaws. Mine is that I'm too modest. But other people have different, more exploitable flaws. Dirty little secrets, if you will. Your job is to find out what they are, and threaten to expose them to the world if you don't get your way.
For the most part, I've gotta be honest, it's mostly just sex. You won't believe how many high-end businessmen like to go out and have affairs/sleep with prostitutes/are actually gay. Gets kinda boring after a while, just taking photo after photo of people having sex. I mean, I find your method of reproduction confusing and messy anyway, but after the fifteenth time it's just dull. Sometimes they'll do something kinky to spruce things up a bit, but on the whole, be prepared to see the same sight over and over again.
However, sometimes you'll find stuff that's unique enough to get your interest. I remember this one time, I found out a station master I knew was actually part goose, in a town where prejudice against geese was at an all time high. Oh, how he honked when I told him I knew!
Sometimes your boss will have connections with a terrorist group. If this is the case, I do not recommend going into his office the next day and showing him your pictures. Those guys have a pretty efficient system of getting rid of people, if you get my drift.
By killing you.

Speaking of killing people...
D: Kill your boss
Shakespeare taught us two things:
1) Posh people talk in Iambic Pentameter
2) If you kill someone, you get his job.
Seriously. Hamlet, Macbeth, Richard the Third...all these plays have people becoming king by killing the previous king (Sometimes more than once). True, most of them end up dying themselves, but we live in more modern, sophisticated times. Times where a guy can wear a bulletproof vest.

So just keep doing those tips until you get to the top of the corporate ladder, and congratulations! You're now the CEO of the company. Now to run the business into the ground and escape with the profits. I recommend going to Jamaica. No one will ever suspect you there.
This has been another Diesel Guide to Something. You owe me 15.

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