Sodor Island Parody Pack

Sir Topham Hatt - The True Man in a Hat

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As the return of the Railway Series beckons, there is no better time to talk to the man who still serves a big role in the TV series despite out-cries from die-hard fans it's his number one engine. Known for his size, railway and his ever-growing number of lost hats, we talk to Sir Topham Hatt.

JimBobDunnie: Well, good to see you Sir Topham Hatt.

The Fat Controller: Why, would you say that my dear JimBob?

JBD: It means I'm not blind for a start...

TFC: I see.

JBD: Whey, your not blind neither then! High five!

TFC: Erm...I see.

JBD: Sorry, bit over exited then. Anyways, what were your first thoughts of the Railway Series' return?

TFC: Meh, so so.

JBD: ...is that it?

TFC: More or less, yes.

JBD: ...we've paid money just for you to say so-so?

TFC: What do you want me to do, lie?

JBD: How much would you say if you did just that?

TFC: Well, loads. I'd make it up on the spot, wouldn't I?

JBD: Do that then?

TFC: What? Lie to the public?!

JBD: Whats the big deal? Everyone does it these days...

TFC: They do?

JBD: Of course they do!

TFC: Go on then, name one.

JBD: Name one what?

TFC: A liar! Who lies?

JBD: Someone's lied?

TFC: Thats what you told me!

JBD: Who's lied?

TFC: You tell me!

JBD: No, I asked first.

TFC: Oh, never mind. Whats your next question?

JBD: The question is, Topham, whats your question?

TFC: Hm?

JBD: Oh, I'm just fooling with you.

TFC: I heard Mr.T pities fools.

JBD: At how much?

TFC: Oh, stop this malarkey.

JBD: Right-o. Our next question are about the developments in the discovery of cuts in the Magic Railroad film...

TFC: Oh...that...

JBD: Do you find something wrong with the findings, Topham?

TFC: No, I'm talking about the film in general.

JBD: Well, it is considered by many as a box-office flop.

TFC: Ah, bah to all that. The only reason that film was created was because I left the Island for one bleeding month. I left that Allcroft, Mitton and that young rapscallion Baldwin with strict instructions not to make a Hollywood film. And look what they...

JBD: Hang on, hold that thought there. You left three people in charge of your business, I must emphasis the whole business point here, with rules not to make a film? What about 'Don't trash the place' or 'I counted the change in the glove compartment'?

TFC: Well...I wanted to be original.

JBD: Didn't work though, did it?

TFC: ...not really.

JBD: Topham, they went against the only rule you made and did it badly. Surely you must've punished them? I mean, if someone did that when I had told them not to the unlucky beggar would be rubbing my feet for a week.

TFC: Hey, Britt promised to take me out on a date! Then before I knew it she left! Broke my heart it did...

JBD: I like to see it as you being saved.

TFC: What on earth do you mean man?!

JBD: Well...*ahem*...she's not exactly...well...young is she?

TFC: And whats wrong with the older woman?

JBD: Hey, if its what you swing for that's that. And for my point of second, your married!

TFC: Never stopped Henry the Eighth, or Charles for that matter.

JBD: Ah, but their the monarchy in some way. Their more or less bullet proof.

TFC: True that...

JBD: Topham, have you seen my bananular phone?

TFC: No, whats so good about it?

JBD: It's appealing

TFC: I see, and what features does it have?

JBD: Not only can you make calls on it, you can eat it too!

TFC: Interesting

JBD: You can call for pizza, you can call your cat, you can call the White House and have a chat! You can place a call around the world.

*Puts phone to ear*

JBD: Operator, get me Beijing!

Interview paused as crew try to convince JimBob banana is not phone.

JBD: Well Topham, to end my questionnaire, is your car diesel or petrol?

TFC: Diesel.

JBD: Diesel?

TFC: Yes. What does this have to do with anything?

JBD: Oh nothing...if its diesel does that mean it would do a lot of damage if I...I...Ioan, for example, put petrol in it?

TFC: It would ruin the motor so much I would have to spend thousands to buy a new one.

JBD: Erm...well folks hope you enjoyed this interview. I shall now be making a hasty ex...

TFC: Hang on...you haven't filled my car with diesel have you?

Interview End

Sodor Island Parody Pack