Sodor Island Parody Pack

Thomas and The Guard

thomasandtheguardparody.jpg

Thomas was waiting for Henry at the junction and was growing very impatient indeed at being kept waiting. The guard on the other hand was feeling quite content, he was busy smoking a cigarette at the back of the train. "I love it when Henry's late," he laughed, "gives me time for a nice smoke before I have to nip back to work!"
Just then, he noticed a big woman, around twice his size, coming across the platform toward him. It was his ex-wife and she looked very angry, "Where's my child support you useless sack of crap? You know I need that money to buy the bare essentials!"
"Now come on Peggy," said the Guard, "booze and cigarettes hardly count as bare essentials now do they?"
"They do when you're addicted to both of them!" snapped his ex-wife.
"Well, I can't help you there this month dear, I've spent it." said the Guard casually taking another draw of his cigarette.
She grabbed him by the scruff of the neck with her big burly hands, and pinned him up against Clarabel, "What do you mean, spent it?"
"Well," said the guard again, "I never exactly spent it, I used it when I was playing poker last weekend."
"I take it you lost then?" she growled, getting angrier and angrier.
"ME?" scoffed the Guard, "How could I lose woman? I won actually."
"Then there'll be no problem in me getting my money now will there?"
"Well, let's face it," smirked the Guard, "they're my winnings by right!"
His ex-wife loosened her grip and flung him to the floor, "And is it any wonder I walked out on you?"
"Is it any wonder we had a street-party after you did?" argued the Guard.
"I want my money you little toe-rag!" she snapped.
"Oh you stupid woman!" said the Guard, "Now I've gone and dropped my last ciggy too! Now I'll go and have to buy some more!"
He went up to the station kiosk just as Henry approached, "Thank God, I'll hide in the lavvies and sneak out the window before it's time to go. She'll not find me there!"
Of course, big Peggy was waiting beside Clarabel's door when the Guard began tiptoeing back to the Guard's van. He snuck up behind her, and while he was still approaching, blew the whistle. Peggy almost jumped out of her skin, whilst Thomas started so quickly that the Guard couldn't reach Clarabel's door in time to jump in and make his get away.
"I'm going to give you the biggest black eye you've ever had!" roared Peggy as she recovered, "Wait till I get my hands on you!"
"Normally I'd stay behind when a train leaves me behind," thought the Guard, "but desperate times call for desperate measures!"
Peggy swung her fist toward him, but lucky the Guard had jumped onto the rails and was making a quick getaway. Peggy tried to chase after him, "Don't even attempt it woman!" he called back, "You might get stuck in a tunnel or something!"
Luckily, on account of Peggy being a big fat monster, she soon gave up out of breath a few hundred yards down the line.
The Guard never even bothered to check, and just kept running. He had remembered that he had left a packet of smokes in Clarabel and was determined to get to them. He kept stopping every couple of minutes to catch his breath, after years of smoking his lungs were black and he was very unfit too.
Soon, he saw Thomas down the line, and began waving his flag and running with his whistle in his other hand. He got to the train, and collapsed up against the side of Clarabel. He was very hot, so he had a drink. Then Thomas apologised, "I'm very sorry Mr Guard."
"It wasn't your fault Thomas, I was too busy trying to get out of paying my wife her child support. Look, the signal is down, let's make up for lost time!"
So the guard settled back into Clarabel and sat down with his smokes. "Thank God Peggy gave me an incentive to follow this train! Maybe the fat disgrace is useful for something at last!"
They reached the end of the line, quicker than ever before, and he swaggered off the train feeling very pleased with himself at having eluded his dreadful ex-wife. But his celebrations were shortlived as Peggy had got the bus and was waiting for him in the corner of the station. She leapt out from the shadows and grabbed him, "RIGHT!!!" she bellowed, "WHERE'S MY MONEY?!!!"
"I've not got your money Peggy!" he choked, "Get your big greasy paws off me!"
She then proceeded to pick him up by the ankles and turn him upside down, spilling out his wallet and a brown envelope with a tag saying, PETE'S WINNINGS which she quickly grabbed. She tore the tag off and turned it over, and with a marker pen wrote, PEGGY'S CIGGIES AND BOOZE MONEY.
She looked at him lying on the ground, and proceeded to boot him in the balls, "I'll see you next month Pete, you work hard and make sure my money's on time. Because if it isn't, I'll make sure you get worse than that!"
The Guard groaned and mournfully agreed.

Sodor Island Parody Pack