Oliver had escaped from scrap from the Other Railway and the Fat
Controller had plans for him.
“We’ll give you Great Weshtern colours like Djuck”, he said kindly,
“You’ll shertainly need them, becaushe frankly you look terrible” he added not-so-kindly.
was offended but it was true. Seriously, he looked terrible, he had no side-rods, he was all dirty, he had a weird thing that
resembled a used condom on his funnel. But hey, at least he looked better than he did in the TV series. Rust City that was.
I’m surprised he didn’t completely erode when Douglas took him away.
Anyway, Duck’s branch line
starts from the Big Station. When Oliver started work, he met other engines there, who wanted to hear about his super-wicked-awesome-cool
“Amazing” Henry would say.
“Oliver has resource” said James.
and sagacity” put in Gordon. “He is an example to us all”
“You’re too kind” giggled
Oliver in a disturbingly effeminate way.
Hmmm, based on the way Oliver’s blushing when James is looking at him,
the flirtatious look James is giving him, and the way he’s giggling, I think there may be something going on there…
The plot thickens…
**Note: Sagacity means “Clever and wise” apparently. Percy isn’t in this
bit like he was in the TV series, because lets face it, making fun of his intelligence is so mean. So, in this parody, there’s
none of that “what’s a Percy?” claptrap.
I’m not at all sorry to say that these compliments
and possible flirting methods from the big engines made Oliver very puffed up in the smoke box. The reason I’m not sorry
to say it because it helps develop the story. Why the hell should I be sorry?
The Fat Controller rescued another auto-coach
in a Superman-esque scenario which I won’t go into detail with. She was called Duclie and trundled along with Isabel.
sang: “Oh Isabel’s a funny coach and so is Dulcie too. If I didn’t look after them they’d not know
what to do!” Oliver's very good at improvising songs when he's pulling trains.
“Yes we would!” complained
Dulcie, “We’d just sit there and do nothing. Simple!”
“He’s proud and conceited”
said Isabel. “Call me paranoid, but I think he may end up having some sort of unfortunate and embarrassing accident
happen to him in the near future…”
With that, the writer decided to not mention her again because she had
just given away a massive part of the storyline. Moron!
Oliver laughed. “Henry says I’m amazing, he’s
right!” he said modestly. “What do I care for trouble, I just push it aside”.
said Thomas who appeared out of nowhere, “You’re getting very cocky Oliver, if you keep up this cockiness, you’ll
have some sort of accident or mishap happen to you!” And then he disappeared. He had helped point out the bleeding obvious,
and he had got his mandatory episode appearance. Everybody wins!
All trucks are badly behaved, but ballast trucks are
worst of all. I have absolutely no idea why though. Seriously, they’ve got it no worse than the other trucks. Bloody
Donald, Douglas and Duck warned Oliver about this, but he paid no attention.
“You think I can’t
manage” He said. “Gordon knows better, he says I’m sagacious. And James said I was attractive.” That
blush was beginning to come back. Oh ho!
“You may be immensely attractive” said Duck “But…”
no more, queer” said Donald in a half-joking, half-homophobic way. “the wee engine’ll juist ha ta learn.
Also,” went on, “Ah’ve a bet on with the ither engines that he’ll have an accident an’ ah doon’t
need yoo ruinin’ it!”
Duck puffed away, offended.
“What’s this bet about?” asked
“Ah’ve juist said! It’s a bet that yoo’ll have an accident.”
An idea flew into
Oliver’s funnel. Oops, sorry this isn’t TV is it? I mean Oliver had an idea.
“If I can arrange that
I have an accident, can I get a piece of that?” he asked.
Donald agreed, and this despicable bet was under way.
I mean, GAMBLING! Its…its… its just… Disgraceful! etc. etc.
Oliver decided to purposefully annoy
the trucks so they could bump him. He wouldn’t be deemed “Really Useful” but… ah, it really doesn’t
So when Oliver took the ballast trucks he decided to act like an upperclass tit and speak in the manner of
one. All he was missing was a cigar and monocle.
“Look sharp” puffed Oliver. “Smartly there, what-what.”
the hell is he on about?” hissed the trucks “Let’s pay him out for that stupid manner he’s speaking
The trucks started bumping and Oliver’s brakes came on with a groan. They were pushing him on and
on. His driver even started moving the wheels forward, but that still did nothing. Wow, those trucks sure are strong to push
an engine with wheels turning AGAINST them. Blimey, they must be on steroids or something. However, at last the trucks grew
“The steroids must be wearing off” gasped Oliver, “If only…”
But it was too
late, he was interrupted mid-sentence, and………………………
down in the turntable well. After the ridiculously long ellipses had ended
Duck surveyed the wreckage. “Hullo
Oliver!” he remarked “Are you being a goodgracious engine? Beg Pardon of course, but we don’t really like
surprises like this. We like Christmas surprises, but we hate ‘Engine falling down turntable well surprises’”
Oliver really had no idea what the hell Duck was on about.
“Donald and Douglas will miss their turntable till
its mended. I guess Donald won’t mind though. He’s won his bet” But then Duck remembered the abuse that
Donald had dished out on him…“D**N YOU! YOU MADE THAT HOMOPHOBIC SCOT HAPPY!” And he puffed angrily away,
seemingly revealing his REAL sexual orientation. And you thought it would be James and Oliver!
Later that day,
Donald and Douglas spoke pungently in Scots, and the Fat Controller spoke pointedly in his “toothless Yorkshireman accent”.
Oliver had no idea what the hell they were saying, but since they seemed angry, they left Oliver in little doubt, that so
far from being Sagacious, he was a very silly engine.
To make matters worse, it turned out Donald had actually had
his eyes crossed (as opposed to fingers which he doesn’t have) when he agreed to pay Oliver his share of the bet money,
so it meant he was lying. And so Oliver was left with no financial gain whatsoever after his accident.
And so comes
the end of this story filled with conceit, arrogance, homophobia and gambling. And I think the moral is pretty clear…
Never trust Scots with crossed eyes.