Sodor Island Parody Pack

Emily: Sweetie Pie or Murderess?

emilysweetiepie.jpg

OSW: Hello, I’m here with National Sudrian News; the news station that is never confused or delayed. Today, I am going to interview a new addition to Sir Tubby Gu…I mean Sir Topham Hatt’s large locomotive fleet, Emily.
 
*knocks on door of Tidmouth Sheds*
 
Emily: Just a minute
 
*the door on her shed automatically opens*
 
OSW: How did you manage to do that?
 
Emily: Now look, I’ve got another shooting in three hours, so just get on with this interview.
 
OSW: Well basically, have you ever heard of a diesel engine called Daisy?
 
Emily: *in a nervous tone* Yes…I’ve heard of her, erm, only vaguely from what Percy and Toby have told me.
 
OSW: Well, the rumor in the year of 1997, you brutally murdered Daisy by pouring sugar in her fuel intake, then left her dangling over a pool filled with sharks with lazers on their heads, took her to the smelters and almost ripped her apart with the grabber, and then finally dumped the remains in an unspecified location.
 
*Emily puts on yet another new shocked expression*
 
Emily: Well…I don’t know where these rumors came from, but as Sir Tubby G….erm Sir Topham Hatt said once, “You shouldn’t lishten to rumorsh.”
OSW: Hang on, there’s more. Then you went away for a while to lose your identity, then you came back in 2003 when you read a newspaper article about moaning gi…people complaining there weren’t any female locomotives.
 
Emily: Why would I do that? There’s Mavis, isn’t there?
 
OSW: Yes, well the word is that you threatened to do the same to her unless she said nothing important for the rest of her life.
 
Emily: That’s absolute slander! Mavis is a good friend of mine…
Clarabel: No it’s not. We overheard Emily muttering her plans that time she took us.
 
Annie: Phew! We were lucky. She might have done the same to us.
 
Emily: Excuse me one second, Mr. Square Wheels.
 
OSW: Of course.
 
*I go to talk to Gordon whilst Emily takes Annie and Clarabel around the back of the shed*
 
Gordon: Don’t do this, Mr. Interviewer; Emily’s so sexy. I mean, have you seen those wheels? I’d kill myself if she went…away.
 
OSW: And she might kill you if she doesn’t.
 
Emily: *shouting rather loudly to Annie and Clarabel* Now look, you barely do anything nowadays as it is. If I got rid of you, no one would know none the wiser.
 
Clarabel: Thomas might.
 
Emily: Not likely; we have to teach him patience every bloody day now; I doubt he’ll remember you. But if you say one more word to the interviewer, I’ll get your screen time down to nothing at all. UNDERSTAND!
 
*Emily returns*
 
Emily: Sorry about that. I was just reminding them they had a film shoot early tomorrow. *mutters* if they keep quiet
 
OSW: Look, it’s really none of my business. Can I just have a look inside the shed?
 
Emily: Erm…yeah sure
 
Thomas: Heh. Oh, you should see these new scripts, Gordon. I spend a lot of time with Emily in them. In one I have to pull her all the way across the island.
 
*Gordon’s face turns red, then he steams away to cry in a siding*
 
OSW: Hmm, well, everything seem normal in here. Thank you for your time, Ms. Emily. And may I say you have very beautiful whee…
 
*A buffer, which is slightly white, falls on the floor*
 
Emily: Erm, erm, erm…look, there’s a mouse. Oh yes, the Fat Controller let it stay in here.
 
OSW: Sweet mother of mercy.
 
Percy: Who called me?
 
Thomas: Shut up, Percy. By the way, Mr, Reporter, Gordon won’t be pleased with you…staring at engines wheels like that in broad daylight, tsk tsk.
 
OSW: Breaking news here at Tidmouth Sheds, Sir Topham Hatt lets mice sleep in a shed with railway locomotives. Imagine what an infestation could do. They might destroy a locomotive entirely.
 
Emily: That’s hardly likel…funnily enough, I heard a story that one day, Daisy was feeling ill, and she stayed in the shed. When the engines got back that night, she was gone.
 
OSW: Well there you have it, Ladies and gentleman. This is why Sir Topham Hatt has to buy so many locomotives; all of his old ones have been eaten by mice. And this man is meant to be in a position of responsibility. Thank you, ladies and gentleman. Goodbye, Emily, sorry about the false accusations.
 
Emily: Think nothing of it. Goodbye.
 
*I leave, not noticing the rotting carcass of Daisy lying across the steel supports at the top of the shed. Emily smiles evilly*

Sodor Island Parody Pack