Good day, everyone. This is Diesel, also know as 'The
Ladies' Man', on account of my ability to get women. I've decided to write this guide for all you desperate losers out
there who need help getting the female engines of their dreams. You may be wondering why I'm being so kind. Well, I figure
I can get upwards of £Many by selling this book to people. Plus, I need to get rid of some extra women, because they keep
dragging me down. You know, because there's so many of them.
Step 1: Choosing the right look
I bet you're all ready to go out lady hunting. Well slow down, Jesse James! You're not ready to go anywhere looking like that.
First of all, you have to select the right colour paint to colour yourself in. I find black to be the perfect colour for
lady-killing in, but there are plenty of other colours to choose from. It's just that black is the coolest. I mean, did you
ever see BoCo with any babes? Exactly.
You also may want to do something about your funnel. In the case of funnels, it's
best to not have one, like I do. Because having a funnel means you're a steam engine and must die die die like the dogs
you are!! *Ahem* Alternatively you could have a really long funnel. Some girls are into that sort of thing. But if
you have a short funnel, then you'd better hide it under a hat. No girl is interested in someone who's short in the funnel.
Step 2: Choosing a locale
Ok, now that you're all spruced up like a goose at Christmas time, it's time
to go search for a female. There are many places to set uo camp, but some achieve better results than others. For example,
a signalbox may seem the perfect place for a rendezvous, because the other engine can't move until the signal is down. Unfortunately,
the signal is likely to change right before you get to first base. Nothing is more frustrating than that.
The best place,
in my experience, is to meet up with a female engine in a tunnel. That way you have the element of surprise when you couple
up to them. If they like it, then score! If they don't, then you can always say afterwards that it was Thomas. Many a female
engine has fallen for it.
Of course, for those of you that aren't good at lying like I am, you'll probably want
to hang out at one of the Yards. Whilst in the day they seem quiet enough, at night they are places of pure contentment. And
on Friday nights, disco!
Step 3: Choosing the right person
The key element of this step
is not to be choosey. Quite frankly, you'd be lucky if any girl went out with you, so you'd better be willing to take
anything you can get. I mean, I could get any girl I want, but you? Forget about it!
The best thing to do is search
for women who are on their own. If they're with a male engine, then it's likely that she's already got a boyfriend. Although
this could be a distraction she's set up with a gay friend to ward off any oncomers. You can check for this by seeing if he's
taking any notice of her. If he's not checking out any of the other girls, then it's all clear for you to ask the girl out.
Alternatively, get your own gay friend to distract him. Then everybody wins.
Part 4: Choosing the right chat-up line
impressions are everything, especially when it comes to women. Easily impressed as women may be, sometimes a good chat-up
can make the difference between getting a girl, and going back to your shed to eat ice cream and cry whilst reading lonely
romance novels. Er, not that I have ever done the latter, stud muffin that I am.
So which is the best line? Well, it's
all a matter of choice. For instance, my line of choice is 'Hey baby, wanna scrap all steam engines?' But understandably this
isn't for everyone. If you're a steam engine, for example, you may wanna avoid it, lest you look like some self-hating genocidal
freak (and for most women, that's a turn-off). By the same token, saying this to a steam engine is like saying 'Hi,
I want to pushed off a bridge'.
Some of the better lines I've heard though include the following:
-"Do you do a
buffet survice? Because I could eat you up."
-"Hey babe, if you go steam, then life's a dream!"
-"I'm running a special
goods train of love. Wanna couple up?" (For maximum effect, 'love' must be pronounced 'lurve')
-And the classic, "Is heaven
missing an angel, 'cos you've got a nice tender!"
Step 5: Choosing the right moves
that you've got her trapped in your web, it's time to show the girl your stuff. This covers a variety of options. You could
get her on the dancefloor, split her sides with jokes, or simply talk about your feelings or whatever. It's best to go with
what you're best at. If you're a good dancer, dance. If you've got a great sense of humour, make jokes. And if you're a complete
wussy dumpkins, then you can talk about your feelings with her like the big pansy flower you are.
But if the only thing
you're good at is not getting a date, then here's a surefire trick to win any woman over. Carry a lot of trucks with
you filled with coal (If you're steam) or diesel fuel (If you're superior to steam). No girl can resist a guy who's loaded.
Step 6: Choosing the after-club date location
Never ever ever let the woman decide what to do
after the club. She'll probably pick some place like a really expensive French restaurant, or a sucky movie where people talk
about their problems, and the only death is someone's sick grandma. Now obviously, these events are unfavourable. But you
would have to endure them, or you'd lose your girl. So you just sit there and try not to fall asleep during the deathbed scene.
always force the girl to go to a cheap takeout place, or a film with lots of action. Women love it when you boss them around.
And don't worry about hurting their feelings. That just makes them more attracted to you.
Step 7-Choosing the right excuse
probably wondering what this means. Well, since there's no way she'd ever willingly go to your shed, you'll have to
think up some excuse to get the girl into your web of lust.
Some of us can just turn on the old charm, guaranteed to turn
even the stoniest of women into lovesick fools in seconds. But of course, not everyone has this ability, and it can be dangerous
if you try to be charming without having the skill. I once saw an engine try to turn on the charm, and he ended up face first
in a coal bunker. He'd kill me if I told you his name though. So don't worry Percy, your secret's safe with me.
you can use include the following:
-'Accidentally' get a little coal dust on her, then graciously offer to clean her up
if she comes home with you.
-Find out something that interests her (art, music, movies etc) and claim to be a big fan of
that artist/musician/actor/whatever, and that you just happen to have some rare material of their work in your shed.
to choke on some bad fuel, work up her sympathies, and then ask if she wouldn't mind 'helping' you back to your shed.
Step 8-Choosing the right music
OK, so you've somehow convinced her to come back to your shed. Now
it's time to set the mood. And what better way to set the mood than with some romantic music? Luckily for you, there's one
artist whose voice is a genuine aphrodisiac. He's black, he's a lady-killer, and he has a voice of gold. No, I'm not talking
about Barry White. I'm talking about me!
That's right, for a limited time only, you too can own this special 2 CD compliation,
'Diesel's Romantic Classics' for only £19.99! Let Diesel's warm and sexy voice light up your relationship as he sings such
legendary songs as 'Love lift us up', 'Can't Get Enough of your Love', and 'All you need is Love'. Recommended by critics
everywhere, 'Diesel's Romantic Classics' is not available in the shops. Simply dial 0800 588900 to order your copy today!
And if that doesn't get her in the mood, then she's either deaf or a lesbian. Or possibly a deaf lesbian.
Step 9-Choosing the right drop-off point
AFter you've had your fun with her (A step I'd have loved
to get into, but my publisher won't let me), it's time to get rid of her. You need to do this quickly, otherwise she'll start
talking about commitment and cohabitation and before you know it you're married to her. Obviously you do not want this
So what do you do? Well, while she's sleeping, just shunt her into some far away part of the island and leave
her there. With any luck, she'll think it was all a dream brought on by drinking too much.
But where to leave her? Well,
if she's a steam engine, leave her at the scrap yard. It makes my job a lot easier. For diesel engines, drop her off
somewhere in the vicinity of my shed. I'll take care of the rest. And if it's electric, then...I don't know, drop her
off at a station or something.
And so concludes my guide to dating. I'm glad you bought the book, because it'll make
me rich, and I hope this advice will help you. But remember, if one or more of these steps do no achieve the desired result,
it's your own fault for following advice from a dating book, you loser!