"Leak in the pipe most likely, you've banged the coaches enough to make
a hole in anything!"
"How shall we mend it?" asked the Guard.
"We'll use a pad of newspaper and a leather bootlace."
said the Driver, "I'll give you my copy of The Sun, provided I can tear out page three, there's an interesting article on
"Well, where's the bootlace coming from?" asked the guard.
"Ask the passengers!" replied the driver.
me everyone? Does anyone know where we'll get a bootlace to mend a hole in the coaches?"
"No you fool!" snapped the Driver,
"Ask someone if they have one!"
"What the hell would someone be carrying a bootlace around with them for?" replied the
Guard, "Are you hoping someone's tied knots in one to help them remember their sandwiches?"
"Well they may be using it
to tie up their boots!" explained the Driver with gritted teeth.
"What if everyone's wearing loafers?"
"THEN GO AND
FIND OUT YOU NINNY!!!!!!" roared the Driver.
The Guard made his way down the train, "You have a leather bootlace I
see, Sir. Please give it to me."
"I won't!" said the man.
"Well, then I'm afraid the train will just have to stop where
"Suits me fine," said the man, "as long as I don't have to walk home falling out of my boots!"
"Walk being the
operative word Sir." said the Guard. "And besides that your boots look rubbish anyway, you'd be as well tossing them in the
The Passengers were angry, they all said what a bad railway it was, then
they told the man how bad he was instead, and then finally they all told him how bad his boots were. Everyone was very cross!
last after he was hit by several handbags and several bags of shopping from little old ladies, he handed his laces over. The
Driver tied a pad of newspaper round the hole, and James was able to pull the train.
At the station where the man was getting
off, he went up to the front of the train. "Can I have my bootlace back now please?" he asked.
"No." said the Driver.
come on, it's already bad enough having to walk like this as it is!" replied the man, "How do you expect me to walk all the
way home like this?"
"Well I expect you're used to ridicule Mr Jobling, especially with a name like Jerimiah."
then, a policeman came. "Orrifice, I mean Officer, these men won't give me my bootlace back."
The Policeman took out his
notebook, "Right, where is the bootlace in question?" he asked.
"In a pad of newspaper..." the Driver looked down in astonishment
and looked at the Policeman, "hey, I know you from somewhere don't I?"
"Where would that be Sir?" asked the Policeman.
in a band aren't you?" laughed the Driver.
"I can assure you Sir, if you mean that one that Sting used to be in, you're
"No of course not, Sting was never in the Village People!"
"Now that's enough of that!" said the Policeman,
"Now what happened?"
"We asked for his bootlace and he handed it over," said the Driver, "so there's no real crime. Just
like there's no real policeman."
"Hmm well, seems fair enough. But what makes you say there's no real policeman? I am a
genuine upholder of her majesty's law."
"Well, I always thought you needed to be in good shape to be a policeman you know!
And besdies that, I haven't been given a speeding...I mean seen you around here before.
"I've only just been transfered
here myself, was only doing my job by enforcing the law. Booked a whole street of parked cars including my own sarge!"
chuckled the Driver, "I bet you never got a sniff of a donut that day eh? Bad cops don't get no donut!"
"Right," said the
Policeman, "I'm arresting you for giving cheek to a police officer!"
"All right," said the Driver, "how about a twenty,
eh? That'd buy you a lot of coffee and donuts!"
The Policeman looked at him again, "Your eyes are awful red Sir, have you
"No officer," replied the Driver, "but your eyes are terribly glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
book him all ready for the cheek and the theft!" replied Jerimiah Jobling.
"Good idea Sir!" replied the Policeman, "I remember
you now! You're that fella I booked at the junction! You never stopped when you came to the end of the road!"
down didn't I?"
"It said STOP!"
"Yes, Kojack, it did! BUT I SLOWED DOWN!"
"All right," said the Policeman, taking
out his truncheon and proceeding to whack the driver over the head with it, "do you wish me to STOP or will I just SLOW DOWN?"
the end the Guard kept the bootlace for himself, the Driver did a night in the cells, and Jerimah Jobling limped home with
no bootlaces. Sadly all the arguing had held him up, and by the time he got to ASDA, the place was shut and he couldn't get