Written By Bono, a.k.a RR, Alaric and JimBobDunnie
Kingdom in Distress
Britain: 1099 AD. Medieval Age.
It is a time were Trees covered
most of Britain, were Peasants were taxed a ridicules amount of gold to live in a hovel. Were there were no TV’s and
computers. And worse of all… No internet! I never thought it possible! But anyway…
I Knight in shining
armour was riding on his Stallion through the deep dark forest, to the deep dark lake, to the deep dark cave… The through
the deep dark cave to even more deep dark forest. The Knight was injured and hurt; he rode to an Allies for safety. At last,
he came to the walls of stone, were a lord of Unbelievable riches lived. The Knight shouted up to the guard on charge.
me Good Pike man!” He yelled. “I wish to speak to your Lord!”
“One moment.” He called
back. The Pike man stood still for a minute before replying. “What you say again?”
“I wish to speak
to your Lord
!” The Knight said again.
“He’s busy courting her Ladyship!” The Guard
told. “You will have to wait another day”
“A day?!” The Knight called. “But this is of
up most importance. It is about…Him…!”
The guard gasped a most terrifying gasp. He gasped so much he nearly chocked.
“I shall inform his Lordship at
once!” The guard disappeared.
A few moments later, the draw bridge lowered and the Knight quickly rode
across into the castle. As he entered the mighty courtyard, Peasants all stopped and stared at the Knight. Who lacked self-Confidence
and felt a bit freaked out. He rode through the Peasant infested yard, his horse attacking the jester for mistaking him for
a mule. When he reached the Strong Keep at the end, he got off his horse and proceeded through the doors.
DARES ENTER THE KINGDOM OF THEHALFORD?” Came a mighty voice.
“It is I!” The Knight bowed down.”
Sir Bonner….I mean Lord Road Roller…Aw we’ll stick with Sir Bonner through this.”
Thehalford came out from behind the curtain. “Sorry about that, a thought you were them Peasants complaining about the
“You’re Lord.” Sir Bonner kneeled. “I great Tragedy has forsaken my lands.”
you fed the peasants Duck eggs again?”
“No, far worse…”
“Your Lady ship fancies
“Oh no… I hung her ages ago. I caught her with the Treasury. And she was not checking
“Yes…” Thehalford stared at the ceiling. “How about the Mace men demanding
“They wish.” Sir Bonner replied. “They practically live to die. No…
This could affect the entire future of British ruling.”
“And this is?”
“It could affect
the entire country’s affairs!”
“And this is what?”
“It could even affect the way
“For crying out loud! Tell me!?”
“My castle was attacked…” Sir
Bonner sobbed. “My mace men were took by surprise… They were to bust playing Bingo… They took all my wealth.
But most of all… They took the Holy sceptre!”
“The Holy sceptre?!
“The Holy sceptre!
If the man who holds this, and is then crowned then he could become King...Or Queen depending.”
they need the Bishop of England as well?” Thehalford asked.
“Oh yeah.” Sir Bonner Pondered. “They
took him as well.”
“Whose idea was it to leave that Sceptre and Bishop with you?” Thehalford asked.
Ryan of Scotland.” Sir Bonner asked. “But he was a bit drunk at the time, and flirting with my Ladyship!”
think that was The Old Bean?” Thehalford pointed out.
“Well it was certainly Lord Ryan who suggested the
Bishop and Holy sceptre be left at my Monastery!” Sir Bonner said.
“But who could command such treachery?”
“I know who did it.” Sir Bonner cringed. “It was those from… From…”
don’t start this again!” Thehalford shouted.
“The Land of ESF!”
“But they would
never do such a thing?!” Thehalford said. “We have allies from those lands.”
“Once again you
mistake me!” Sir Bonner moved to window. “It was the Black Knight!”
“That’s pretty Ironic
since he left our lands for someone being called the Black Knight.?” Thehalford sat on his throne.
one really cares.” Sir Bonner shrugged. “Everyone thinks they guy a loon. Ever since he betrayed Britain and showed
the Viking war Lords into the country.”
“And King Fat Hatt being away does not help the slightest.”
Thehalford agreed. “We must inform the second in command!”
“Lord Ryan?” Sir Bonner asked.
only his guidance and Rusty Iron bars can save the country from being ruled by a crazed power hungry Knight.”
I want to know is, how did the Black Knight get an army of that size?” Sir Bonner questioned.
need to read the Lords Castle Weekly.” Thehalford threw a copy at Sir Bonner. The headline was written: “Black
Knight appointed second in command of the ESF Kingdom. What is Lord Dan thinking? Peasants outraged!”
the Black Knight, he’ll most probably persuade Dan to turn over total control!” Sir Bonner was worried.
that is the case, we will ride out and bring together our fellow Lords!” Thehalford planned.
“And on the
way.” Sir Bonner added. “I wish to return to my Castle, and save what I can. I left Sir Chris, my neighbouring
Allie in charge while I came here.”
“No worries my friend.” Thehalford agreed. “But first,
a feast is needed to greet your arrival, along with exotic dancers!”
“What about you’re Lady?”
Sir Bonner pointed out.
“Who cares as long as she pays her taxes?” Thehalford shrugged.
Unknown to the SIF Knights. Far away across the Kingdom, in a far away castle. Which was surrounded by marsh land and swamps,
the tree’s dead and burnt were Peasants had been rioting. On top of the tallest tower, a Knight with a Black hood was
talking to Lord Dan.
“Excellent.” The Knight smirked. “With the Holy Sceptre soon to be in my possession.
I can be crowned King, and rule Britain with an Iron Fist! That weakling stood no chance of stopping me…”
do realise, that now he would have told the news to his fellow Lords. And that we can expect some trouble.” Dan said.
“All I wanted was a peaceful county to run, and then you came along and caused all this trouble!”
yourself my friend.” The Knight soothed. “You chose this castle so badly, that before they can get here, they
have to cross the most dangerous of perils! In fact, how you hell did you get through all them?”
my friends to spam them to deaf.” Dan said. “But suppose they tell onto Lord Ryan of what we have done, his Berserkers
could rip us apart! And if he fights, we are dead meat!”
“If he comes, I shall deal with him myself…”
The Knight smiled a dastardly smile. “I shall have my revenge on what he did to me all those years ago…”
was last year?” Dan pointed out.
“I’m trying to build suspension!” The Knight yelled.
what you said when you burnt down all them tree’s!” Dan called. “Then you go blaming the peasants!”
it really matter?” The Knight said. “If those Morons think they can get here alive, and then let them.”
Then, a messenger boy came up to the tower.
“You’re Lords!” He gasped. “We have found a spy
in our midst!”
“A sp-sp-sp-spy!” Dan started to shake.
“Get a hold of yourself man!”
The Knight pushed past. “Were boy?”
“He is now in down in the courtyard you’re Lord, two guards
are with him.”
The Three men walked down to the courtyard, Sir JimBobDunnie, had been captured, and surrounded
by an angry mob of Peasants, armed with Pitchforks and torches.
“JimBobDunnie?” Dan called. “You’re
“I am loyal to my friends and kingdom!” JimBob shouted to all. “Not this dump!”
come on it’s not that bad!” One Peasant shouted.
“We may eat gone off food, bath in pig s**t, and
work our heads off…And pay high taxes…And live in houses not fit for rats…What was I getting at again?”
All the Peasants started to riot again, giving JimBob a chance to flee the open gates.
“Stop Him!” The
JimBob ran through the murky swampland, a battered Knight ran to a catapult on top of a tower.
him!” He ordered. “Do not miss!” The catapult was fired, but it miss-fired and ended up hitting the Treasury
with a CRASH! The Black Knight was not amused.
“You Idiot!” He took out his crossbow and shot the Guard
were it most hurts. “Send out some troops after him! NOW!”
“Alright but don’t yell!”
The scribe ran off.
JimBob stopped for breath by the woods, his Horse tied up nearby.
“I must return
to Sir Skarloey the Buggered’s lands!” He gasped. “I stand no chance fighting them men!” With that,
he mounted the horse, and sped through the woods towards Skarloey lands.
Silly Seige Of Sir Skarloey
TheHalford and Sir Bonner had now set off towards the Other Lords
lands, these Lords consisted of, Lord Thehalford the Rich, Sir Bonner of Steam, Sir Skarloey the Buggered, Lord Ryan Of Scotland,
Sir Chris the Postman, Sir Christopher the Wise, The Honourable Bean, and Alaric the Assassin. Each owning land throughout
Britain, and each contributing something to its existence.
With the King away, all the Lords had to come together and control
certain areas, this included Lord Dan…
Soon enough, the Two Lords came to a crossroad, one pointing to “The
Lands of Sir Skarloey” and the other. “Private property of Chris The Postman.”
“We should both
Inform Sir Skar first.” Thehalford suggested. “Not split up like everyone expects.”
Sir Bonner agreed. “I just hope that Sir Chris can hold the Fort, in this case the ruined Fort that is my Castle.”
worry too much.” Thehalford sighed. “If we hurry, we may make there Castle before dark comes round.”
hope so.” Sir Bonner agreed. “I’m getting sick of sleeping on the floor!” The two carried on through
the Forest, towards their destination. Not knowing that when they would arrive, they would have to fight…
hurried up the hilly plains to the castle perched on top. He was now being chased by a small army of Dan’s men. He was
injured and worn out after the day of running. But his loyalty kept him going, even though the horse was doing all the work.
Sir Skarloey was atop his Keep. Looking for any sign of his Spy, when he saw an Injured Jim coming towards them, he ran down
to the gate to greet him.
“Jim!” He cried. “What is wrong?”
Jim nearly fell to the ground. “I small army of Dan’s is coming this way!”
shouted. “Prepare the Army for battle!”
“What army?” Asked the guard.
“What do you mean
what Army?!” Skarloey grabbed him by the throat. “The Army that is supposed to defend this land!”
on leave!” The Guard replied. “You let them this morning!”
“Curse my good nature!” Skarloey
flung him to the floor. “How long can you get them together?”
“At least a few hours Sir” The guard
“Well what Army do we have right now?”
“Just me, a couple of bloodthirsty peasants, and a
“Looks like we’ll have to hold out for a few hours…” Skarloey pondered. “Right!
Everyone inside and shut the gates!” Jim was helped inside, the drawbridge was pulled up.
As Skarloey walked through
his castle, he was swarmed by terrified peasants.
“What will happen to my family?!”
“Will we live?!”
you kiss my baby?!”
“Yay! no more Taxes!”
“Your ladyships a looker you Grace!” Skar cracked
this guy in the jaw.
Skar entered his Keep to see his Lady waiting.
“There’s no time to talk!”
Skarloey ordered, “I finally get to marry you, and now our lives are at risk! You must take a horse and ride to Lord
Ryan’s kingdom! Inform him that Lord Dan has started an attack.”
“Promise me you’ll come back alive!”
“If only I knew…” Skarloey sighed. “Now go! I must prepare for battle. Servant! My armour!”
and Sir Bonner rode up the grassy plains towards the castle. They noticed a camp of men on the edge of the Forest. They rode
up to the gates. A Peasant armed with a bow stood atop it.
“Excuse me!” Thehalford called. The Peasant looked
down. Then he took an arrow and fired at Thehalford, which just bounced off his armour. Thehalford looked to Sir Bonner who
shrugged. “We mean no harm!” He continued. But the peasant carried on. This was a big mistake. An Arrow zoomed
over their heads towards the camp of Dan’s men, hitting one smack in the neck. The others were angry.
look what you have done!” Skarloey came over and snapped the bow in half. “No more food for a week you silly boy!
Now get out of my site! And what do you two want? If you want us to surrender then bugger off!”
Sir Bonner cried. “It is Thehalford and Sir Bonner! We bring news!”
“It will have to wait!” Skarloey
called back. “If you have not noticed, there’s a bloody army at my front door!”
“Will you just
let us in?” Thehalford yelled. Soon the two has Joined Skarloey atop the gatehouse. Waiting on the impending doom.
you have no army?” Sir Bonner checked.
“Nope.” Skarloey muttered.
“Just Jim, a guard and some
peasants?” Thehalford asked.
“That and a dog.” Skarloey added.
“Well there’s nothing for
it.” Sir Bonner sighed. “We’ll have to retreat and come back later.”
“I’m not leaving
my lands to that Git!” Skarloey stomped. “I’d rather be a peasant! And at this time that’s saying
“Do you have anything that can be used as weapons?” Thehalford looked over the courtyard.
Skarloey said. “The berks took them with em.”
“So we have bugger all to fight them with.” Sir Bonner
shook his head. “Just us four.”
“Four?” Skarloey corrected. “Jims to Knackered to fight,
he’s been running from them for days!”
“I bet a load of bloodthirsty peasants could knock them out.”
Thehalford looked over. “Have you any?”
“Actually I do.” Skarloey answered. “In that cage
in the corner.” He was right. A cage stood in the corner, full of peasants that looked like to be foaming at the mouth.
band of mean prepared to charge Sir Skarloey’s castle.
“All ready men?” The leader called.
question.” A soldier called. “How do we get into that castle?” All the men looked at each other.
you ruin everything??” The leader shouted. “They don’t exactly have an army to stop us anyway do they??”
miss the point Sir. We have no means of going through, or getting over that wall.”
“There’s a moat?”
“Hey what’s that?” another shouted. The men looked
up to see what looked like a box covered in a black curtain, on wheels rolling down the hill towards them. It stopped just
next to them. Growling could be heard from inside.
“What’s going on here then?” The leader looked over
the box. “Ha! Obviously some present sent for me being such a good leader!”
He ripped off the curtain, to be
pounced on by some bloodthirsty peasants.
The four friends looked from atop the tower at the chaos below. Dan’s
men were being torn apart by the peasants.
“They make good fighters.” Sir Bonner complimented. “I don’t
know why you didn’t use them in the first place.”
“Well they have, been stuck in that cage for months.”
Skarloey said. “I caught them talking about my mistress and that’s No.1 rule here, no talking about Sir Skarloey’s
“I’ll remember that for next time…” Jim muttered.
“So my friends!”
Skarloey turned around. “So the Black Knight is behind all this then eh? Were do we ride to now?”
gather the rest of the lords!” Thehalford answered. “We ride now to Sir Chris the Postman Private property, to
Sir Bonners ruined castle.”
“Jim” Skarloey looked at Jim. “I leave you to watch over the castle
while we go on this quest!”
“Are you kidding?” Jim laughed. “I’m going with you; you think
I’d miss the opportunity to fight the Black Knight?”
“That’s settled then.” Thehalford said.
“We ride at dawn!”
“Hey Skar.” Sir Bonner asked. “You would not happen to have exotic dancers
like Thehalford would you?”
“Had to get rid on em.” Skar answered. “Got married didn’t I?”
The next day, the four rode off down the hills, past the peasants who were now full, and into the
darkness of the Forest…
Returning to Ruined
Lord Ryan was not a happy man. He had been left in charge of the entire country,
he had the power all other Lords craved, he had the most beautiful women in the entire lands around him, he had riches upon
riches, although not as rich as Thehalford, he does not Tax as much… But there was one thing he wanted, that he did
“When will Vodka be invented?” He slouched on his throne. “All we have is this crap they call
Ale. Call this Alcohol? I’ve tasted better toilet water. Christopher gets down here!”
As if by Magic, Christopher
The Wise appeared in front of Ryan, he was a wizard of unknown powers.
“What is it now?” He asked. “I’m
trying to discover a way to make the Internet here?!”
“No one cares!” Ryan stormed. “Just hurry
up and invent some half decent beer.”
“I told you,” Christopher explained. “You’re stuck
with that! So deal with it!”
“Aw this is terrible!” Ryan growled. “I have all a Lord wants, Fans,
Gold, Women, food, an Army everyone’s afraid of, Devious good looks, a gigantic Castle, I even have a work force making
a statue of me.”
“And International Ryan Day on the way.” Christopher added.
“Yes That too.”
Ryan nodded. “But whats all that without Beer?! Nothing, zilch.”
“Ryan, you have an entire country at
your control, and your complaining about no decent beer?”
“Yeah, whats wrong with that?” Ryan asked.
The two friend’s conversation was interrupted, by an flaming arrow zooming through the window and going through Christopher’s
wizard hat, sticking it to the wall.
“What in the hell!?” Ryan stood up. “Sound the Army! We are being
“It’s a message.” Christopher ripped off his hat, “It’s about Skarloey’s
“Skarloey’s bird?” Ryan sat back down. “Bird as in flying, or bird as in a lass?”
Christopher answered. “It says, that she has been Kidnapped, during her flee from her castle.”
from Skarloey’s castle?” Ryan yelled. “Does that mean they’ve divorced?”
as in running from incoming doom.”
Ryan groaned. “I was hoping they had divorced, she’s a right looker!”
let him here you say that!” Christopher warned.
“What? Everyone Fancies her!” Ryan said. “I bet
you do an all.”
“We’ll have less of that!” Christopher pointed his staff. “It says she has
been taking to Castle Dan at the swamplands of ESF”
“If Skarloey finds out, he’ll go mad.” Ryan
said. “You’re the Wise one around here, what should we do?”
“Well, Skarloey is sure to come here
looking she is safe, so I say we stay put.”
“Christopher, do you ever have any fun? This is a chance to do
some battling. And you want to stay here and hide?”
“She’s his bird Ryan” Christopher sighed. “Not
“Is there any word on Lord Road Rollers disappearance?” Ryan asked.
Sir Chris has said. His castle was invaded by a guy in Black armour and he fled into the forest, everything was taken, even
his Steam Tractor.”
“Why does he get a Steam Tractor in this time, and I don’t get decent Beer?”
Ryan complained. “Even so, he’ll be pi**ed when he finds out.”
“So these guys have Skar’s
bird, and Road Roller’s engine, do they have anything of ours?” Christopher asked. Ryan sat silent for a moment.
the royal Brewery!” He shouted. “I’ll go see if the women are in danger!” With that, Ryan left the
room. Leaving Christopher, who was sure something bad, was going to happen.
Meanwhile, our intrepid heroes were making
their way through the Forest. Sir Skarloey, none the wiser of his Bird being kidnapped. Sir Bonner, unaware that his prized
possession had in fact been taken. Thehalford, thinking about the danger ahead. And Jim, wandering when Skarloey would give
him his own castle. But the Knights were interrupted, by the sound of a flute being played.
“Who would be wandering
all the way in here?” Bonner asked.
“They would probably be wandering the same of us.” Thehalford said.
They continued on, until they found a small opening in the Forest, a small Tent was perched next to a small spring, were a
man, dressed in a green like clothes, with a wizard type hat was sat on a tree stump. He was playing a flute, Deers, rabbits,
and birds surrounded him, listening.
“Were have I seen him before?” Jim asked.
“He does look formaliser
…” Thehalford pondered.
“It’s Alaric you dolts…” Skarloey said.
Bonner asked again. “I thought he had a kingdom to run.”
“OI ALARIC!” Jim yelled. Alaric stopped
playing, he looked round, and saw who was staring at him. The he turned to animals.
“Help! I’m being attacked
by wild animals!” He yelled. The animals fled.
“Leave off it.” Bonner said climbing over the bushes.
“It’s obvious you were enjoying yourself.”
“Oh so it’s you guys.” Alaric got up. “I
thought you were the taxman.”
“Alaric, why are you in the middle of the Forest?” Thehalford asked.
Alaric answered. “I have been failing to pay the taxes on my castle, so they repositioned my castle. I have to pay up
or I’m not aloud back.”
“Tough break.” Skarloey sympathised. “Well, since you’re here
you may as well join us on our quest.”
“What quest is this?” Alaric asked.
“To stop the Black
Knight from becoming King!” Bonner stood proud. Then fell over.
“You mean the taxman?” Alaric said.
Black Knights not the taxman!” Thehalford said.
“He is.” Alaric retorted. “It said so on his uniform.”
either Alaric’s blind, or he’s been tricked.” Jim said.
“Alaric, will you join us in our quest
then?” Skarloey asked.
“You bet!” Alaric stood back up. “I’ll teach that Black Knight not
to trick me!”
“And Alaric, if your name is Alaric The Assassin then why were you singing to animals like a
totally peace lover?”
“That’s the plan…” Alaric smiled nastily. “If all my enemies
think im some freak who talk to rabbits, then they don’t expect me to sneak into their castle and do some damage do
“Good point.” Bonner nodded.
“So my friends, were do we head?”
of course.” Thehalford answered. “We will ask him to join us, then visit Sir Bonner’s castle and salvage
what can be.”
Soon enough, our heroes had arrived. They toppled through the Forest edge, and spotted Sir Chris’s
castle. As they walked up, Carts full of scrolls exited and entered he castle entrance, a Royal Mail sign, hung atop the gatehouse.
blimey…” Bonner admired. “This guy does not mess around!”
“You’ve been his neighbour
for this long, and you have never been to his castle?” Thehalford asked.
“Nope.” Bonner answered. “Since
I can mail for free, I don’t waste it.”
When the Knights were finally atop Sir Chris’s keep, they
heard a sound which made there ears hurt. It sounded like a cat scratching a chalk board.
“Chris! Will you knock
that off?!” Skarloey shouted.
“Ooops. Sorry.” Chris turned around. “I was practicing this invention
of mine. I call it, the Vryolyn!”
“I think. Violin sounds better.” Thehalford suggested.
Chris defended. “Vryolyn sounds much better!”
“Is this really necessary to the plot?” Jim asked.
it matter?” Bonner asked. “Chris, how are my lands?”
“I dunno actually.” Chris shrugged.
“I fell asleep when you left.”
“Right…” Alaric said. “Tell me Chris, has anything of
yours been stolen by a guy in Black Armour?”
“Now that you mention it,” Chris said. “My Red Post
cart was stolen by a guy in Black Armour. Grand Theft Carto that.”
“Chris, you must leave your Castle built
Post Office here, while you travel with us to Lord Ryan’s!” Skarloey announced proudly, not falling over like
“Will I need to bring an army?” Chris asked. All the other looked at each other.
of Army does a Post Office have?” Alaric asked.
“An Army of Killer Postmen of Course!” Chris pointed
to the training ground aback the castle. Postmen were paper cutting a rag doll to death, other were throwing razor sharp letters,
some even billing peasants to deaf.
“You had to ask.” Jim looked at Alaric. “We’ll call them if
needed.” He nodded at Chris.
“Don’t underestimate the power of Postmen.” Chris said. “I’m
proud of the way I train them.”
“Oi, you lot.” Bonner held his head. “My Kingdom is burning to
doom, the Black Knight will be king soon, and you lot are discussing killer postmen?” Can we get on with this?!”
left his Castle, together; the knights would arrive at Bonners burnt castle, which still stood.
so bad.” Thehalford said. Knocking over a statue.
“At least the peasants are safe.” Bonner sighed in
relief. “ And my secret army survived.”
“What secret Army?” Alaric asked.
be a secret then would it?” Bonner said.
“Sir Bonner.” Skarloey tugged him on the shoulder. “What’s
that barn used for?”
“Eh?” Bonner looked up. “Oh, that’s were my Steam Tractor’s kept.”
Steam Tractor in medieval times?” Chris said. “That’s pretty weird.”
“There’s no Steam
Tractor in there.” Jim looked around.
“You what….?” Bonner walked over to the shed. He stared at
the empty space. Since he’s about to say words that can not be said, we’ll end this chapter here.
Quest For Vodka
Our Heroes left Sir Bonner’s castle in ruin, his surviving
peasants had been sent to Sir Chris’s lands for shelter. Sir Bonner was now on a mad rampage. With his prized possession
stolen from under his nose, it was time for some serious action. They continued to the kingdom of Ryan, to find that some
trouble had cropped up, that they wuld have to conquer before continuing their journey…
Bonner groaned. “I’ll hang the guy who touched my engine! You mark my words!”
“How many times as
he said that now?” Thehalford asked.
“Bout 50 since this morning.” Alaric sighed. “And it’s
“How much further to the kingdom of Ryan?” Skarloey asked.
“Well, we would be there
now if someone had not lost our horses in a bet!” Chris looked at Jim.
“I was sure it was Camelot!” Jim
explained. “Anyway, that horse of mine was getting a little too friendly…”
no excuse for losing ours!” Chris retorted.
“You think you’ve had it bad?” Alaric joined in. “I’ve
been hiking through the Forest for months!”
“Why not let your animal friends help you out?” Skarloey
“Ruddy stalkers…” Alaric muttered. “They hear one sound of my flute and I’m getting
stalked for days on end!”
“Well why do you play it then?” Bonner kept his cool.
“It helps me
to stay in sync…” Alaric looked to the sky, feeling the breeze on his face. “We Ninja type fellows depend
on our sync.”
“How much further?” Jim asked.
“Just over this ridge!” Thehalford ran towards
it. Followed by his fellow Knights. They all stopped at the Kingdom below them. A huge sign was in place by the gatehouse.
“Welcome to The Lands Of Ryan. Population 1,000. Today’s Scandal: National Ryan Day!”
When they finally
found there way through the maze of buildings and National Ryan Day souvenir stands. The Keep of his Lord stood in front of
them.They were greeted by trumpets sounding. Only God knew how this news would affect him.
“Whose bright Idea was
it to leave the Bishop with Bonner!?” Ryan stormed around the throne room.
“Yours.” Christopher answered.
if I was drunk out of my Skull,” Ryan defended. “Then I would have expected you to stop me.”
was distracted!” Christopher admitted. “Those Exotic dancers Thehalford sent as gifts do their job you know.”
is terrible!” Ryan sat on a chair. “As if things were not bad enough…”
“Why, what is wrong
you’re Lordship?” Alaric asked.
“Rule Number 1.” Ryan started. “Only the Peasants need to
call me His Lordship. And a great loss has been struck on me…”
“Did you lose the bathroom again?”
Thehalford sighed. “Its second door on the left.”
“No you oaf!” Ryan looked up. “I have signs
all over the place for that. The Honourable Bean has not returned from a quest of which I sent him!”
quest is this?” Skarloey asked. “Not another one to find the lost city of Atlantis is it?”
you give me a break?” Ryan groaned. “The Priest around here says he had a vision, of a woman making something
in a cauldron atop the cliffs of Jinty.”
“What?” Chris puzzled. “Are you saying there’s a
witch in them dar hills?”
“No! Don’t you see? She was not making an evil potion. That woman has discovered
“I think that’s very unlikely Ryan.” Christopher said.
“I know Vodka when I see
it!” Ryan defended again.
“You don’t even though what Vodka looks like!” Christopher added on.
you get to the point?” Bonner said from the corner of the room. Who was sharpening a sword.
Ryan continued. “Is Beanie has not returned yet. “And I fear for his safety. I will only join you on your Quest
to destroy the Black Knight, once Beanie is safe and sound back here.
“Sounds simple enough.” Jim pondered.
Knights!” Thehalford called to arms. “Let us head off to Jinty mountain!” They all held up their swords.
And stood there for a minute.
“It’s on your left pass the Blacksmiths…” Ryan sighed.
had kindly giving our heroes, some Mules to travel through Jinty Mountains. Unfortunately, Jim was not getting on with his…
Skarloey yelled. “Stop letting that Donkey kicks you around!”
“It’s not my fault it has an attitude
problem!” Jim yelled back.
“Just do what Alaric does.” Chris pointed. Alaric was lying on the mules back,
playing his flute. “Seems to be working. Here, you can try my Vryolyn!”
“I think I would rather be knocked
over the edge.” Jim said. “That thing sounds like a bird with tonalities!”
“Oh it’s not
that bad!” Chris fiddled the Vryolyn, “Listen” He started to play. Only Alaric’s Mule did not kick
Chris this time. Jim was happy to not be on the receiving end.
Later on, and a couple of bandages later. The travellers
had arrived at a lonely cottage atop the mountain.
“If it is a woman in there.” Alaric said. “I will
use my good nature con to get her attention, while you lot, sneak into the back. And find Beanie.”
we know Beanie is even in there?” Skarloey asked.
“That’s what you lot are going to find out…”
Alaric said. “Now you lot go round back, when I knock on the door, that’s your time to strike.”
snuck round back, and Alaric proceeded to the door. He knocked twice. There was a chain rattling, pad lock sound, then the
“If you’re selling something!” The women shouted. “We don’t want any!”
my good lady!” Alaric said. “I just head rumours of a maiden on these lands.!” The door fully opened to
reveal a foul looking women, she had a great mole on the side of her face. Her hair was greasy, and her clothes tatty.
you taking the P**ss?!” The women stormed.
“No of course not!” Alaric tried to keep his lunch down. “You’re
the most…Err…Lovely looking women I’ve seen!”
“Oh behave!” The women flirted. Alaric
grew scared. “Would you like to come in?” Alaric rethought his strategy.
“Eeer, you know what? I think
my mothers calling…” But before Alaric could make an escape, the women had dragged him into the cottage.
was forced to sit down on a chair. Everywhere he looked, cages hung from the ceiling, a cauldron sat in the middle of the
room. Alaric looked next to him, to see a seriously pale Honourable Bean.
“Beanie!” He whispered. “What
has she done to you?!”
“It’s to terrifying to tell…” He gasped. “Plus only Adults could
“I don’t think I want to know now…” Alaric sighed. The women re-entered.
is such a sexy colour.” She said. “You’ll wish you met me earlier!”
“I wish I didn’t
come here!” Alaric wept. Suddenly, a crash was heard from the back room. Alaric knew who that was, and didn’t
want them to feel left out, the evil bugger.
“Did you hear something ,my sweet?” The witch looked round. “It
must be that bloody cat again! I’ll throw that thing over the cliff!”
“Jim?” Bonner said. “What
are you doing?”
“I’m looking for clues!” Jim answered.
“You do realise” Thehalford
pointed out. “That’s her knickers draw you’re going through.”
“I thought they were paper
bags.” Jim closed the drawer, then fainted.
“Skarloey, will you get in here!” Chris whispered.
not going through another women’s stuff!” Skarloey poked his head through the window. “I’m married
you know.” At that moment, the witch entered the room, and was not pleased to see a boy on the floor with her Knickers
on top of him.
“What in the…?” She shouted. “Sweetie pie! Come in here and kick these desperate
sods out!” Alaric poked his head through the door.
“Oh…Hi guys….” He said.
She screamed. “Your one of them?! Trying to take advantage of a lonely woman? You shall all pay for your insolence!”
ran away, as he heard the cry of his fellow Knights behind him…
Of The Old Hag
While our Heroes were being tortured by the Witch and her Knickers
draw, we now look back to the land of ESF, which was now in a terrible state.
“Why did you banish the Priest?”
“He was not doing his job!” The Black Knight retorted. “He just stood there looking up at
“That’s his job!” Dan yelled. “He was praying!”
“Well I wish
someone told me!” The Black Knight groaned.
“This is awful!” Dan cried. “My Kingdom is falling
apart, and I have a loon case for a second in command!”
“It’s not all bad…” The Black Knight
tried to reassure. “At least we have the Holy Sceptre.”
“What goods that?” Dan moaned. “All
being King will get us, is a spam filled Kingdom!”
“Don’t talk daft!” The Black Knight looked over
the plains. “Soon enough, my master plan will be in action!”
“What master plan?” Dan stopped moping.
“I only stole the Sceptre to get Ryan’s attention!” Black Knight laughed. “He will soon be here…Along
with the other Knights…Then we shall kill them all! They will pay for what they did to me!”
I can gather, you brought it on yourself!” Dan said. The Black Knight turned on Dan.
“What are you saying?”
He looked at Dan. “Are you betraying me as well?!”
“Of course not!” Dan told.
betrays me!” The Black Knight walked closer.
“Then what happened last year?” Dan pointed out.
back chat me!” Black Knight thundered. “Or I’ll banish you as well!”
“It’s my kingdom!”
“Not anymore!” Black Knight pulled Dan to his feet. “You can either do as I say, or spend the
rest of this movie rotting in the dungeon.”
“I’d rather rot!”
“So be it!” Black
Knight thundered. “Guards!”
“No wait!” Dan sobbed. “I changed my mind!”
are sure?” Black Knight sighed.
“Yes!” Dan cried again.
“You’re sticking with obeying
what I say?” Knight questioned again.
“Yes!” Dan said again. “Now get on with it!”
a scared Skarloey had buggered off and left our heroes at the mercy of a witch. He returned to Ryan.
“You left them?”
Christopher asked. “You left your friends at the mercy of some old tart?”
“Hey!” Skarloey defended.
“I was outnumbered you know!”
“Skarloey…” Ryan sighed. “We all know it was an Old Lady…
You ran away from an Old Lady?! HA!”
“She was a very big Old Lady!” Skarloey said.
it.” Ryan told. “We need to get them out alive, or there’s no quest to defeat the Black Knight.”
no getting everyone’s stuff back.” Christopher added.
“Well it’s not like he has anything of mine!”
“That’s what you think…” Ryan nodded.
Later on, Ryan had assembled a small
band of His Berserker Army outside the old Tarts house. The berserkers looked gruesome; some were pounding the floor with
their feet, some growling like Wolfs, one even took a bite out of a rock.
“Now you lot.” Ryan addressed. “We
don’t know what were up against in their. She could have a Dragon for all we know.
“She most probably is the
Dragon!” Christopher said. “Look at that place. I’ve seen better bird nests!”
Ryan turned to his companion. “To redeem yourself, when my Berserkers have the old bat distracted, you go in and set
the others free. Christopher, you see if you can find anything that will help us later on our journey.”
will you do?” Skarloey asked.
“I’ll be hunting for that Vodka recipe!” Ryan growled. “Now
prepare for battle my Courageous Army!”
“Aye!” All the Berserkers said.
“We will not cower!”
“Aye!!” The Berserkers stomped their feet.
“We will save our friends!”
The Berserkers growled.
“And if you want you can have your ways with her!”
“Aye!! Aye!!” The
Berserkers made a dirty smile
“WE WILL FIND THAT RECIPE!!” Ryan shouted, the rocks around started
to tremble as the Berserkers went, well, Berserk!
“AYE!!!!”The Berserkers charged at the small
Cottage. The Mountains seemed to shake under their feet. As they grew closer, they were nearly at the door when…
don’t want any!” The Witch appeared at the door. The Berserkers stopped in their tracks. Their wives looked better
then this old Bag, and believe me, that’s saying something!
“IT’S HIDEAS!” They cried.
“WE MAY BE DESPERATE BUT NOT THAT DESPERATE!! RETREAT TO SAVE GROUND!!” The Berserkers ran back
to safety, trampling Ryan and Skarloey in their way, Christopher used his magic to poof to the safety of a tree branch.
and Skarloey got up to see the Berserkers hiding in nearby caves, shaking.
“You Cowards!” Ryan yelled. He got
up and assessed the situation. “We’ll have to take that bag by ourselves.”
Skarloey cried. “Who knows what Dangers are in there?”
“But he’s right.” Christopher agreed.
“We need to save out fellow Knights!”
“Besides.” Ryan boasted. “I could take anything she
threw at us.”
“What if it’s something so terrible?” Skarloey said.
Ryan knocked Skarloey on the head. “She’s an Old Woman who only has her Knickers for company. What could she possibly
have that could frighten me?”
They soon found out, when the woman had called for an animal called Fluffy, he
thought it a cat, but instead it turned out to be a Red Back Dragon.
“A Dragon…” Christopher muttered
from inside a cage. They watched Ryan fighting down below. “Who would have guessed?”
Somehow, a giant arena
had been made under the Cottage; all Our Heroes were high above it, locked in cages. Sir Bonner and Sir Chris were cheering
Ryan on; Alaric was trying to wake the still traumatized Jim, and Thehalford was taking bets on who would win. Ryan was bravely
fighting the Dragon below.
“Oh Lord!” He cried trying to climb the arena walls. “Christopher you Dolt!
You’re a wizard do something!”
“I would normally.” Christopher said. “But today I have some
old Tart trying to chat me up!”
“Who you calling a Tart?” the witch was taunting from aside the cage.
“I may be desperate but I draw the lines at Vikings and Monks.”
“In that case you have no chance…”
Chris muttered. “I don’t think Blackadder would take one look at you.”
“I’ve seen better
Toads then you.” Alaric added. “Except when you kiss them they turn into beautiful girls! I think you went backwards!”
“Oh you rotten sods!” The Witch stood up. “For that remark, you can all fight the dragon!” She
clicked her fingers, and the cage bottoms opened, making our Hero’s fall on top of Ryan, who was not at all pleased.
are you lot playing at?!” He stormed. “I had him on the run then!”
“Ryan.” Bonner said. “The
Dragon is sleeping. I think he’s got bored of chasing you around.”
“Using my Ineffable Wisdom.”
Christopher pointed his staff. “I conclude that using all our Strength together, we can stand a chance against this
“Cut the buggers head off!” Skarloey said.
“That would be a good idea.” Chris said.
“But one problem, only Ryan has a weapon.” Sure enough, all their holders were empty. “She must have swiped
them when we were knocked unconscious.”
“Then strangle the bugger!” Skarloey said again.
handle this!” Alaric shouted. “Bonner, may I borrow your helmet?”
“Sure.” Bonner replied.
He passed Alaric his helmet, Alaric took it and walked up near the dragon. He then threw it which smacked the Dragon conk
on the head. He was not pleased. As the Dragon prowled around Alaric, Alaric took out his flute and started to play. The Dragon
seemed to be entranced by the magical sounds. As it turned around, then ran straight threw the wall, and into the mountains.
Thehalford said. “What did you do?”
“Simple.” Alaric answered. “I used my magical flute to
tell the monster, that a female Dragon was looking for a good time over at ESF Lands.”
Later on, our travellers left the lonely cottage with Beanie safe and sound. The Old Bag had scampered after
the Dragons defeat. To never dawn her awful looks again. And Ryan, had finally found his Vodka!
Old Bean was left to rest after his “Experience.” Giving the others
too a chance to rest before they set off for ESF. Alaric spent this time sleeping under a tree in the Royal Gardens. Thehalford
lounged about the castle, Bonner wrote a list on what to do with the Git who nicked his Tractor. Chris went to the Local Post
Office to give out tips on how to improve. Christopher was always in the Library, seeing if anything could help them on their
travels. Jim kept having nightmares about giant Knickers attacking him. Skarloey searched high and low for his maiden, Ryan
and Christopher thought it best to tell him when they left. Ryan, how ever, spent all the Royal treasury gold, on a big Golden
safe to be built in his throne room. Were inside, he put the Vodka recipe he stole from the Foul Witch of Jinty Mountains.
Christopher yelled. “You spent all the Gold on that?!”
“Of course.” Ryan said. “No one is
going to steal my Vodka recipe!”
“We could have used that to buy what we needed for our quest!” Thehalford
“I’m the King!” Ryan said. “I’ll do what I normally do.”
from the peasants again?!” Christopher accused.
“I prefer the term Borrowing.” Ryan smirked.
what was the point?” Christopher walked over to the Gold safe, now built into the wall. “All this just for a scrap
“Not just any scrap of scroll.” Ryan said. “My scrap of scroll.”
used to be some old Hags Scroll.” Thehalford added. “Then you skanked it.”
“I risked my life for
that Scroll!” Ryan boasted. “I fought a Dragon for it!”
“And Alaric won it know!” Christopher
chuckled. “You were lucky not to be burnt to brittle!”
“I could have taken that over grown lizard any
day!” Ryan said.
“Sure you could Ryan.” Thehalford patted him on the back. “Sure you could.”
Ryan changed the subject. “When will Beanie be ready to fight?”
“A couple of days at the least.”
Christopher said. “But it’s no problem, Alaric sent that Dragon to ESF so they wont be able to do anything with
“Ah.” Ryan smiled. “How I want to kick the Black Knights @$$. I’ll be dreaming
of it until that moment comes.”
That night, when all the peasants were un-happily asleep on their Hovel floors,
our heroes were settling in. Alaric had dropped off underneath a plant pot; Bonner was asleep at a table, worrying about the
coming adventures. Jim how ever was lighting a night torch to keep away the nightmares, Christopher had enchanted it for him.
No one heard Ryan closing his golden safe in the throne room.
“I can not wait to get some Vodka down me!”
He said to himself. He exited the room. But from inside the safe, a noise could be heard…
Next day, everyone
awoke from their resting places to the sounds of yelling. Bonner woke up so suddenly he flipped backwards of his chair. Alaric
knocked his head on the branch of small tree. Jim just sat up, delirious.
“Were being invaded!” He cried jumping
up, taking his sword from his holder. “Men! To arms!” He then ran into the brick wall, which knocked some sense
into him. The Knights all hurried to the scene of yelling. To find Ryan inside his throne room, destroying everything he could
get his hands on. Our Heroes fled the scene, and poked their heads round the entrance.
“What’s up Ryan?”
Chris asked. Ryan stopped his rampage, and turned to them.
“Some B*****ds had away with my Vodka recipe!” He
growled, picking up a chair and throwing it out the window. “Wait until I get my hands on him! My foot will make contact
with his backside so fast he won’t know what day it is!”
“How did he get into the safe?” Skarloey
asked. “It’s made of Gold!”
“Take a look for yourselves…” Ryan sat on his throne. They
all walked to the safe and peered inside, a big hole was made in the stone on the other side.
“You only made the
front out of gold!” Christopher shouted. “You spent the Kingdoms gold on a safe with only one side?!”
not cheap you know!” Ryan defended. “I could only afford one side!”
“Hey there’s a note in
here!” Skarloey announced.
“Well what does it say?” Thehalford asked.
Dear Knights Of SiF
I am writing to inform you,
that we plan to take over the whole Country using the newly acquired Holy Sceptre and The Bishop. We only took you stuff to
P*ss you off so we could have a laugh. The Dragon you sent over to try and distract us has eaten over half of our population.
We are not amused. You shall pay dearly for your crimes against our lands. Sir Chris’s post cart shall be burnt, Sir
Bonner’s thing will be pushed over a cliff, and Sir Skarloey’s bird will be forced to marry the Knight who kidnapped
her. (FlyingS). We wish you could attend the wedding, but by then
you will all be dead and buried in a gong pit. Lord Ryan’s Vodka recipe shall be locked away so that none of you will
ever find it. Do not even try to attack our lands as there are Perils which you will never over come along the way. If by
some chance you reach our lands then you may as well turn back as we will defeat you.
Love The Black Knight.
Tell Sir Skarloey that she is defiantly a Looker!
There was a short pause.
“What does he mean by
Sir Skarloey’s bird shall be forced to marry me?” Skarloey looked up. All the other looked at each other.
a funny story behind that….” Ryan said.
“She was kidnapped on the way here.” Christopher explained.
“And it looks like her Mental health is at risk. I mean FlyingS? She won’t last a second!”
crunched up the scroll. “My sworn enemy…”
“How’s he your sworn enemy?” Bonner asked.
wanted to borrow my Holy Grail.” Skarloey said. “He couldn’t be bothered to get one himself. I mean we all
had to get our own didn’t we?”
“So how did that lead to being enemies?” Jim asked also.
got all mardy and tried to take it by force.” Skarloey growled. “Naturally, I won. But he swore revenge.”
is not swearing.” Alaric.
“That joke is so old…” Jim sighed.
“I must reach my love!”
Skarloey stood up. “Before this Dastardly plan can be stuck upon her!”
“Now hang on.” Ryan halted
him. “We still need to wait for the Honourable Bean to recover.”
“Eeer, Ryan I’m right here.”
“Oh, ok.” Ryan said. “We leave tomorrow.”
Tomorrow came. But Ryan had to deal
with some Peasant troubles first. They were complaining about witches, Chairs seemed to be raining down on them. Ryan just
stood silent. Christopher had searched the Library to find a map that would guide them to ESF lands. It was the map of Sodoria.
this map can guide is through the Dark Forest?” Bonner asked.
“It will if we don’t lose it!” Christopher
“Does it say anything about any dangers or monsters?” Beanie said. “I’m not scared or
anything, but it would be nice to know.”
“Not really.” Christopher looked at the map. “There are
a couple of pictures know.”
“Who drew it though?” Alaric said.
“Ah.” Christopher rolled
It up. “I once powerful Sorcerer called Ciremi The Powerful. He was one Wizard no one ever tried to cross.”
does Ciremi stand for?” Jim questioned.
“No one knows. He one day disappeared off the face of the Island, never
to be heard from again. Some say he still lives high up in the Mountains, others say he perished battling a powerful God.
But I still believe he’s out there somewhere.”
“He would sure come in handy right now.” Ryan groaned.
“He could probably poof us straight there.”
Our Heroes reached the edge of the Forest.
is it.” Thehalford said. “Last chance to back out.” But no one did.
“Alright guys.” Ryan
said. “Let’s go kick some @$$!!”
Beach Of Soding
Our intrepid heroes tracked through the Forest. Everywhere they looked, it was nothing
but green. Alaric’s clothes did not help… It was one sunny day, when the finally reached a different surrounding.
beach?” Bonner exclaimed. “How did we end up on a beach?”
“According to the map.” Christopher
said. “This is the beach of Soding. Were an ancient race of people is said to live.”
“Are they dangerous?”
“I cannot tell.” Christopher answered.
“Well may as well catch a tan while were here.”
“I think I may take a dip.” Thehalford said.
“I could build a sand castle!” Bonner
“How old are you?” Skarloey sighed.
“Now hang on.” Ryan stopped them. “We don’t
know if there’s any sort of monster round here.”
“Like what a giant squid?” Jim laughed. Then,
some giggling could be heard from around a cliff bend.
“What’s that?” Alaric asked.
to find out.” Ryan said.
They turned around the corner. They snuck along the rocks, the sea water washing at
their heels. Until they came to a small rock pool inside a cove. Inside the pool, some beautiful teenage girls were playing,
splashing, dunking, and swimming in the pool. Ryan quickly pulled the others behind some rocks.
“Well what do you
think of that?” He smirked. “Not a bad day after all.”
“What do you mean?” Beanie asked.
“You’re not thinking of joining them are you?”
“Of course.” Ryan grinned. “How could
they resist my face?”
“Quite easily I think.” Beanie sighed.
“Now then lads.” Ryan ignored
that last comment. “Look over and choose your lass, and since Skar isn’t single I’ll take his.”
do you get his?” Alaric asked.
“Yeah!” Thehalford joined. “Why don’t you let someone else
have her? I.E me.”
“In your dreams!” Beanie said. “She’s mine!” All four of them began
to fight on the floor. Kicking up the sand.
“At least were not greedy.” Bonner said to Chris and Christopher.
kidding?” Christopher said. “While there distracted I’ll take all five of there lasses!”
Jim walked up. “I was planning that!”
“Well one will do me fine.” Chris said.
doubt I’ll even get the one.” Bonner sighed. “I’ve never been successful with ladies.”
really need to get some confidence.” Chris turned to him.
“Enough of this!” Ryan yelled. “We all
get a bird each, how’s that?”
“How do you know they’ll even want to know us?” Jim said.
sounding so negative!” Ryan groaned. “Now step aside and see how it’s done!” Ryan walked from behind
the rocks and started to walk towards the pool, were the nine girls had already stopped and looking at him. He stopped near
“Hi there.” Ryan said.
“Cor look at that!” Bonner said. “He’s ruddy got
them in his grasp!”
“I don’t think so…” Christopher muttered from behind the map. “I
think it’s time we left…”
“It’s a man!” One girl shouted. “Get him!”
him Lynch him!” Another shouted.
“Get the brute!” Said another. “Don’t let him escape!”
Ryan turned and fled, running past the others who were still watching.
“You lot are on your own!” He called
as he disappeared around the cove. The girls all ran after him, but one fell over Beanie who was knocked out after the fight
of who got Skarloey’s girl.
“There some here!” She cried.
“Aww crud…” Skarloey sighed.
“Why me?” Bonner groaned.
“Come on you lot there just a bunch of girls!” Jim got up. To be
tackled by four girls at the same time.
“This is bad…” Alaric said. “These are not your ordinary
women me thinks.”
“We are the Lady’s of Soding!” A Red haired girl said. “You have trespassed
on our lands! You must be punished!”
“Well there wasn’t exactly a sign saying were we were.” Chris
“Silence!” She shouted at Chris. “No man is ever to speak on these lands again!”
what have we been doing for the last ten minutes?” Christopher said.
“As soon as that other man is captured,
you will all be punished for your crimes!” She yelled again.
“But we didn’t do anything!” Bonner
“Shut up!” She yelled.
“Yes mam…” Bonner silenced.
Soon after Ryan had been
captured, the Knights were tied up and took to a village overlooking the sea. Were they were placed on poles on the cliff
“Our leader shall come and see you!” A blonde said. “Either you lot respect her or you shall be
tossed over the cliff sooner then expected!”
“Well that makes a whole lot of difference…” Beanie
muttered. Then what looked like a parade of women came towards them. Some banging on drums, others playing flutes, and some
throwing flowers into the air. Four ladies were carrying what looked like a box.
“Now were in for it…”
“Well this quest was short lived.” Alaric said.
“I never got to destroy FlyingS!”
Skarloey growled. “Now my love is doomed!” When the parade reached our tied up heroes. The box was not a box,
but a carrier. Inside, a woman was sitting. Until she was placed in front of out heroes.
“How dare you men come onto
our lands?” She said. Her face covered in the shade.
“Please you ladieness!” Beanie pleaded.
ladieness even a word?” Chris asked. “I’ve never heard of it.
“What ever.” Ryan said. “Listen
lady, we did not know that this place was forbidden.”
“That’s what everyone says!” The women cried.
“And were have I heard that voice before?”
“Beg pardon?” Alaric said. “You sound formaliser
“Is that Kate the 669th?” Christopher asked.
“Indeed!” Kate revealed herself. “Why
didn’t you tell me it was you all along?”
“Well we didn’t know it was you either!” Skarloey
“What are you dong here?” Ryan asked.
“Well, I thought it would be good top open a Kingdom by
the coast!” Kate said. “So I moved out here.”
“But what’s with men being banned?” Bonner
“Oh, that was just what this lot wanted.” Kate answered.
“Is there something we should know
about?” a Brunette asked Kate.
“Only that these are my friends!” Kate said. “Now release them!”
you Knights are off to fight the Black Knight?” Kate asked later on.
“Sure are.” Ryan said. “The
Git nicked my Vodka recipe! Oh, and their stuff too.”
“Well, if it’s not to much trouble, I would like
you to search for something that went missing of ours.” Kate said. “A women was kidnapped from here a couple of
moths ago, perhaps one of you could save her for us?”
“How do you know it was them?” Alaric asked.
they left this.” Kate handed over a scroll. It said.
We of ESF have decided to take a girl of our choice
to marry Lord Dan, who has been feeling lonely for the past couple of years. You should see this as a great honour and privilege
to be chosen.
“Have no fear!” Thehalford said. “Since The Black Knight has
nothing of mine, I shall make this my goal of this quest.”
“The Kingdom of Soding thanks you.” Kate thanked.
“You Knights shall always be welcomed here, as long as I’m around of course. Otherwise I would stay away.”
advice.” Beanie agreed.
Our Heroes left the Beach Of Soding behind, Thehalford now had a promise to keep. While
all the other had their own goals to achive…
The Castle of Intrigue
The brave, brave knights continued on their way, ever vigilant, ever ready to face any
challenge that they might come across. Until suddenly, something quite unexpected happened. It rained.
Sir Chris. "A most foul and deadly storm be-est brewing in yonder sky!"
"Aye, thou art right Sir Chris," nodded The Honourable
Bean. "Verily, we must find shelter anon."
"Why are you two talking in those stupid voices?" asked Sir Bonner. Sir Chris
and the Honourable Bean looked at each other, and sighed.
"Only trying to have some fun," muttered Sir Chris.
got a point though," said Lord Ryan gravely. "We'd better find shelter soon before we rust in this armour."
"Rust? I don't
think that'll happen Ryan," said Christopher the Wise. "I mean, our armour's non-corrodable. Otherwise we'd seize up every
time someone splashed water on us."
"You mean you don't?" asked Thehalford. "I've got to change my armour dealer."
er, anyway, we'd still better get cover. The er, the horses! Yes, the horses will get frightened!" Ryan smiled.
've had a word with them," said Alaric. "They don't mind a bit of rain."
"d**n! I mean, er...the rain will spoil our gren
paint with red stripes?" offered Ryan lamely. The rest of the company looked at him doubtfully.
"Oh all right, I just don't
want to get my hair wet," Ryan confessed. "I mean, it takes ages to style like this, and once a bit of rain gets on it then
all the dye starts to run and...ooh, I don't even want to think about it."
"Well, luckily for us," said Sir Skarloey, "There's
a castle just ahead. Look."
The Knights looked and saw that Skarloey was right. As if from nowhere, a large gloomy castle
had appeared on top of the hill before them. It was a dark, dank-covered place, with architechture that a Goth would have
gone mad for. It was also in the centre of the storm.
"My word, that's a very fine castle," said Chris. The others were
not so convinced. Still, being the only place of shelter they could find on such short notice, they had no choice but to try
"Check out those knockers!" cried Jimbob.
"Where?!" shouted the rest of the Knights in unison, sounding very excited.
the door," answered Jimbob.
"oh..." the rest of the group sounded very disappointed.
As Ryan held up the knocker, the
door started to open slowly.
"Creepy," said Sir. Bonner. The group agreed with him, and were wary in entering.
no one here!" cried JimBob.
"No," said Skarloey ominously. "I sense a presence, a presence I have not felt since...well,
"So, what? Someone's here?" asked Thehalford.
"Someone is here," came a voice from nowhere.
Chris," said the Honourable Bean nervously. "Are you putting on a silly voice again?"
Chris gulped. "No..."
Ryan called out. "Show yourself!"
The Knights watched in amazement as a ghostly figure appeared before them. He was a noble
figure, wearing a red ermine cloak and a sharp dapper suit.
Good afternoon, said the ghost.
"Alright mate, that's
a pretty fancy trick," said Christopher, frowning. "But we all know ghosts don't exist. Don't we guys?"
"Er, Chris," Alaric
"No, not you. The other Chris. The wise one."
"Oh right. Sorry."
"Anyway, Chris," said Alaric,
taking Christopher aside. "Now, you know ghosts don't exist, and maybe we know ghosts exist. But I don't think
that he knows ghosts don't exist, if you see what I mean."
"Hold on a second..." said Beanie, moving to the front
of the group. He gave the ghost a good look.
"I'm beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable..." said the ghost.
I recognise you!" said Beanie. "You're Jim!"
Correct," said Jim the ghost, "I am Jim, 522nd Earl of Jams."
that would make you..." Sir Bonner hesitated to finish.
Earl Jim sighed. "Yes, that's right. My parents weren't very
nice when it came to giving names. I bid you welcome to my castle of doom and gloom, and ask why you have come here."
to get out of the rain," explained Lord Ryan.
Jim smiled. "It always rains in this land of Jams."
be good for the tourist trade," said Alaric.
"Oh no, you'd be surprised how many people go for it. Africans mostly,
I find. And arabians. And eskimos, funnily enough."
"You mean Inuits," pointed out Chris.
"Yes, them too."
in the lands of ESF...
"Is this master plan of yours going to take much longer?" Dan asked the Black Knight.
will take as long as it takes," said the Black Knight.
"oh, right, right," said Dan. "Only, I've got this dentist appointment
in a few hours, so..."
"You will stay where you are," said the Black Knight, lowering his lance towards Dan.
on, I really need to see him! I've got this awful tartar build-up on the back of my top incisors, see?" Dan opened his mouth.
we can fix that," grinned the Black Knight, and he stuck his lance into Dan's mouth. Dan watched in horror as the Black Knight
picked away at the tartar with the tip of the lance. After a few minutes, which seemed like hours to Dan of course because
time is relative to the observer, the procedure was finished.
"There you are," said the Black Knight, admiring his handiwork.
"Does that feel better?"
"Oh yes, much better," Dan lied. It was worse than ever, but he didn't want to risk a repeat performance.
While our Heroes were in the land of Jams, we look now to Dan and the Black Knight, in
their castle, dark clouds hung around, raining. They were putting the next stage of their plan into action. Black Knight had
layed out some sort of pattern on the Library floor, while Dan looked on.
“What are you doing?” Dan asked.
see soon enough.” Black Knight smirked. “Then you will see my true power at work!”
not going to try and do the Karaoke again are you?” Dan sighed.
“Of course not! That was last time… But
this time, I have found the true steps into summoning… The Evil Knights!” Thunder struck outside.
Evil Knights!?” Thunder struck again.
“Evil Knights!” He said again. “And will somebody shut the
curtains for goodness sake?!”
“But no mortal has ever controlled the Evil Knights!” Dan said.
Fool.” Black Knight sighed. “I don’t intend to summon all of them, they’ll destroy the place, and
I plan to summon only one. And a couple of minions give or take.”
“But which one?” Dan asked.
just have to see which ones available.” Black Knight answered. He lit candles around the pattern, which started to glow
a strange eerie blue. He stood at the end, and took from the table a big old looking book. He opened it up and started to
chant the ancient words.
“I summon the powers of the Underground that is Sodoarnie! I summon you! Answer my plea!
Let your power be mine!!” The Candles flashed. Then the room began to sway, books fell from shells, the torches on the
walls went out, the thunder and lightning struck outside, a big flame seemed to open in the centre of the shapes, Dan and
Black Knight looked into it, Lava was at the bottom, then a hot gush of steam made them retreat to the edge of the room, as
the smoke and steam formed a face.
“Who Dares summon the Power of Sodoarnie!?” It boomed.
The Black Knight stepped foreword.
“You puny mortal?” The Face boomed again. “What do you want with such
“I need the power of one of the Evil Knights!” Black Knight yelled back. “I am in need
of their service.”
“The evil Knights do not serve you!” The face yelled. “You serve them!”
Knight shouted. “Just gimmie one of them!”
“Alright fine! But be warned, if the hatred and evil builds
up, so will he, he feeds on it, if it grows too much. There will be no escape…”
The smoke swirled up and disappeared,
to be replaced by Magma spurting up like a fountain, Ash and Molten slag making the two sweat like Pigs. From atop the Magma
fountain, A shadow of a figure appeared, its red eyes glowing and angry glow. Its flesh covered in scratches and scares. It
cracked its hands, and let out a small silent growl.
“Wh-Wh-Wh is it??” Dan whisprered.
the power I’ve been wanting…” Knight smirked. “With his power, no one will be able to stop me!”
“Wait a minute…” Dan eyed. “I have seen him somewhere before…”
have, this is the Evil form of that miserable traitor…”
“What have you done?” Dan whimpered.
have you done?!” Knight eyed the floor, is that a puddle underneath your feet?!”
Getting away from these
antics, we find our heroes still talking to the Ghost of Jim the 522nd, who had some news to tell them.
the Black Knight is a sorcerer?” Chris asked.
“Oh yes.” Jim522 answered. “When
you turn into a cursed ghost, you learn a lot.”
“What Kind of power is he capable of?” Christopher
“Who knows?” Jim522 said.
“Every sorcerer has a weakness.” Thehalford added.
“So he should have one too.”
“What’s your weakness Christopher?” Skarloey turned to the wizard.
would rather not tell.” Christopher turned away.
“I bet its Chocolate.” Ryan came up with.
is not chocolate.” Christopher said. “I conquered that weeks ago.”
but in..“I know his weakness.” There was a short silence.
“Well what is it?” Bonner
“I will tell ye, but in the form of a riddle!” Jim522 looked down on them.
come on!” Ryan argued. “We don’t have time for this.”
“Alright then…” Jim522
seemed disappointed. “The weakness, of the Black Knight, Of ESF, is…” But they were interrupted
by the sounds of yelling outside, the Knights exited to see a cart and horse outside, with a man on top making the sounds
of a siren.
“What’s going on here?” Beanie asked.
“It’s a raid!” Bonner ducked behind
a stone pillar. The man got off and walked up to them.
“Good evening lads.” He said. “I’m looking
for a ghost, goes by the name of Jim the 522, of the land of Jams.”
“He’s in there.” Ryan pointed
“Cheers.” Said the bloke. He took some sort of lamp from his cart and entered the castle. A few
seconds later, yelling and crashing sounds could be heard from inside. The bloke came out later, with Jim522 inside the glass
lamp, squashed up inside.
“What do you think your doing?!” Christopher cried.
“I’m a Ghostbusters
son.” The bloke replied. “People call me crazy, but some day my family will be famous!”
let him out?” Skarloey said. “He was going to tell us the weakness of the Black Knight!”
pal, but that’s the problems with these things, I have not figured out how to open them yet!”
"Then what do
you do with the lamps?" asked Alaric, scratching his head. Not because he was confused, just because he had lice.
shrugged. "I usually sell them at the car booty. You can get quite a pretty penny for them."
"This talk of money intrigues
me," said Beanie, who still had to pay off his horse. "How much do you get for them?"
"I just said; A pretty penny," said
the man, showing them the aforementioned penny. "See how pretty it is?"
"Oh yes indeed," said Ryan. "A very handsome bit
"You're only saying that because your face is on it," Christopher pointed out.
"Does that make it any
less true?" asked Ryan.
"If I can just interrupt here," said Thehalford, "What do we do now?"
"Well, I guess we should
check the castle for anything of worth, then run like the Dickens," said Ryan.
So the Knights searched the castle for any
valuable knick-knacks. Chris searched the apothecary, but found nothing of value ("Cure for cancer? I don't have cancer.").
Skarloey looked in the library, but there was nothing helpful there ("'How to defeat Ebony Knights?' That's no good, our guy's
black, not ebony."). Jimbob ransacked the kitchen, in very fine detail ("Maybe there's something in these Welsh Cakes. *Munch
munch* Nope, nothing there. Maybe the sandwiches.") Beanie checked the bedroom, to no avail ("Ooh, these magazines are very
naughty. But I must check them all for some clue. Heh heh heh..."). But after half an hour, the Knights gave up.
anybody find anything worth pinching...I mean, requesitioning?" asked Ryan.
"My bird friends found me this first edition
copy of the Bible," said Alaric.
"Ah, perfect," Ryan smiled. " We can use it for campfire fuel. Still, we'd best be off.
"Yes?" called out Bonner from behind the stone pillar.
"We're leaving now, come on."
And so they left,
each wondering what they would find next. Except Beanie, who was wondering how to keep his newly-acquired magazine colletion
Beauties in the Tower
Our not-so-brave heroes had now reached the borders of the dreaded land of ESF. They had
decided to rest after their long journey. Most of the members of the group had decided to play cards, cleverly leaving out
JimBob due to past experiences.
“Alaric, have you got…a…four?”
“Nope, go fish.”
“Now, steady on Halford, its only a game!”
“Game or not Beanie, Alaric’s being
a stinking liar!”
“How am I?”
“Look, someones got a 4, its not Beanie, not Ryan, not Christopher,
Skarloey, Bono or anyone else! It has to be you!”
“Look, if I haven’t got the card, I haven’t got
“I’m not going to show my cards to everyone else, am I?”
Afraid to tell the truth!”
Ryan then got up, fed up with all the argueing.
“Look, this is getting stale”,
he said truthfully, “I say we explore the surrounding area, so we have a idea where to go tomorrow.”
wouldn’t need to explore if someone hadn’t lost the map” Skarloey pointed out, looking sternly at JimBob,
who was happily looking out at the lake.
“Wasn’t my fault.”
Skarloey rolled his eyes.
agree with Ryan” Christopher said, standing up, “I think a good exploring adventure could do us fine!”
then” Ryan said, “who’s in?”
Everyone rose, the sound of a adventure sounded promising to sound
“JimBob, Skarloey stay here. We don’t know what can be out there…”
perfectly capable of defending myself Ryan” Skarloey defended, “I do run a kingdom you know…”
I know this area well, I mean, I was a spy here” JimBob followed.
“That why you lost our map then” Skarloey
“Will yer give me a break about that map! It was a mistake…”
“Which is easy
for you, isn’t it?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
them lot buggered off to?”
While JimBob and Skarloey had argued, the other members of the group had made a wise hasty
run for it.
“Hmm, someone should sack the gardener…” commented Ryan, pulling back a branch before
letting go thus letting it fling into Christopher.
Ryan then set his eyes on something large and tall…
down he said!”
“You could’ve told me that before you let go of that branch…”
There in front of them stood a Watchtower, flying the ESF flag.
“What shall we do?”
asked Chris, “go round it or…”
“Raid it of course!” Ryan answered with a hint of glee in
his voice, “there must be at most, 2 guards in there, right? Ha, we outnumber them!”
“You sure on this?”
when have I ever let you down? Charge!”
“When have I ever let you down?”
How did I know they were on high alert?”
The raid hadn’t gone as well as hoped, Beanie, Chris, Halford, Alaric,
Bono, Christopher and Ryan found themselves locked up in one room of the tower.
“Hmm…looks like its up to Skarloey
and JimBob to save us.” Halford sighed.
“We’re done for.” Alaric said point blank.
back at the lake, JimBob was getting worried.
“Been a while, haven’t they?”
mean, they could be all kinds of danger…”
“That or Ryan’s found the local.”
up, drawing his sword, badly, it looked more like a stick than a sword, he should’ve rested on something firmer than
“If I don’t come back…”
“Don’t nick your non-existant wife?”
that, if that I don’t come back in 15 minutes, you must come after me, ok?”
I could be in grave danger!”
“Or you found the local too…”
JimBob shook his head and made off
in the direction his friends had left before, Skarloey slumped down the trunk of a nearby tree and went off too sleep.
spy with my little eye, something beginning with...w!”
“Wall per chance, Bono??”
correct again Beanie.”
“Hey, quiet you two, I hear with my ear here something outside!”
you just rhymed hear with here…”
“Sush Ryan, I can hear something too!”
chuck something out the window!”
“Clever idea Halford, just one small problem…there’s nothing to
“There’s always the mouse…”
“What! Chuck a poor harmless creature?
How could you say such a thing!”
“We could always chuck you out Beanie…”
When all seemed glum,
the author decided to make a small rock appear out of no-where, just to get the story rolling, well, something had to…
the ground, Jim was hiding from the guards in the tower in the bushes, when suddenly a small rock appeared out of nowhere
and hit him on the head. In anger Jim picked up the rock and pulled his arm back, preparing to launch it back at the bugger
who threw when he saw some familiar faces poking out of the tower. It was Bono, he pointed immensely at the door, JimBob saw
it and nodded in acknowledgment, Bono then mouthed the word ‘quietly’. JimBob understood (again, the author made
him to get the story rolling) and charged at the door, making it crash to the floor with thump. Bono couldn’t do anything
else but by smacking his head with his hand.
“Ah, hello there Jim, didn’t hear you come in…”
up Alaric” JimBob hit back, before getting flung onto the floor by the guard. The door was slammed shut and locked.
Skarloey?” Ryan asked.
“Back at the lake” JimBob answered, “I told him to come and find us if I
didn’t come back.”
“What and get himself caught too?”
“Well, it seems he’s our only
Back at the lake, Skarloey had risen from his sleep. He yawned and looked round.
JimBob hasn’t got back yet. Probably lost like that map. Ah well, have to go and find him too I suppose.”
with that, Skarloey left.
“Eye spy with my little eye…”
“Don’t start that again Jim…”
had reached a new high withen the cell. Many people just laid around on the floor looking up at the ceiling. Halford was just
staring out of the window. The view wasn’t anything great, just the looming shape the ESF kingdom in the distance. He
then looked down at the ground.
“Eye spy with my little eye…”
“Halford, don’t make go
“I see Skarloey!”
“Halford, your only meant to give the first le…hang
on, you see what?”
“Not what, who! Halfords right! Its Skarloey! Quick, pass me something to throw at him!”
no, we’ve had past experiences with that…” Alaric said, looking at JimBob in particular, “No, we need
to explain the situation to him…”
“How though, all we got is this apple I kept for ‘emergencies…”
on a second, we got a apple? Why didn’t we use it for JimBob?” Chriptopher asked.
“Because it makes you
feel a lot better when you chuck a rock at JimBob.”
“And we now this pencil, thanks to the author…”
Author, what will he give us next?”
“Girls next time, here’s hoping.”
“Right, stone, pencil…we
need something write on.”
“I got something we can use” JimBob said, producing from his shoe the…
of Aces!” Halford exclaimed, “I could so…”
“I wanted to get back at you lot for not letting
me in on that card game…” JimBob explained, “this seemed the only way.”
Ryan quickly came in, swiping the card off JimBob. He toke the pencil and wrote like mad, taking a lace off his boot, he tied
the card to the small rock and threw it out the window.
Skarloey was about to give up until an apple landed at his
feet. Picking it up, he got a bite out of the apple, without being aware of where it had been, he read the card and turned
to see the tower. How could he possibly get in there and rescue his friends? He soon had a idea.
guard was heard darted down the stairs to see a smug-looking Skarloey leaning against the door way, which was missing a door.
“What you want?” asked the guard.
“Friendly ain’t yer? Thought it might interest you that I
think I saw a “Best of Duncan” DVD in the forest…”
“A best of…Duncan?” the guard
said, a smile coming to his face. A group of guards had gathered behind him. They all looked at eachother.
you won’t release the prisoners we have trapped in here?”
“Oh I promise…”
And with that
the group of guards fled the tower, leaving a still smug-looking Skarloey by the door way.
“I promise nothing. Ha!
Trust them not to realize there’s not such thing as a Best of Duncan DVD, even not such a thing such as a DVD…”
was glad to find the tower now deserted. He took a set of keys off a nearby hook and made his way to the cell. He triumphantly
opened the door to hear the sound of his friends…
“You owe me an apple.”
They did not dawdle,
they quickly ransacked the building, taken food, water, anything they could find, and then left for the lake. The day when
they would face the black night was fast approaching, and they were prepared for him and whatever he had planned up his sleeve…
While our Heroes were taking a much needed break around the Lake,
things at ESF kingdom was beginning to fall apart, the Evil that the Black Knight had summoned was now running rampage around
the neighbouring villages, stealing money, abusing old Ladies and kicking Chickens. And the fact that the peasants were still
rioting around did not help the matter…. A spy had arrived from the Lands of Lord Ryan, and the Black Knight was eagerly
awaiting his return.
“You woke me from my afternoon nap for this?” Black Knight thundered down on Dan and the
“But he brings urgent news!” Dan coward in the corner.
“Go on then Kshronyo.” Black Knight
cuddled up to his blanket.
“Number one.” The spy began. “My names not Kshronyo got that?”
one really cares.” Black Knight yawned.
“Drat that Skarloey for giving me the Eln name!” Kshronyo cursed.
“He shall pay!”
“He’s already taken.” Dan came out from his corner. “FlyingS has it
in for him an all.”
“Well if it’s two on one then we both win…” Kshronyo grinned.
it.” Black Knight got his Teddy Dragon. “Some bozo will most probably help him out.”
“Well, it will either be Chris, Halford, Alaric, Bono or Jim.” Black Knight answered. “Ryan,
Christopher and Beanie will most probably try and come for me. Fools.”
“Exactly.” Kshronyo added. “The
group will soon be here. And will the bloody writer call me by my proper name please!”
“Who are you talking
too?” Dan eyed.
Back at the lake, our unlikely-Heroes were resting their tired bones. Even though it was the
horses that had done all the work. Chris, Bono and Skarloey were deep in a game of Pin the Tail on the Jim. Alaric was talking
to some nearby Squirrels, while Ryan, Christopher and Halford discussed the upcoming battle. While Beanie sat in the background,
his back to everyone else, hiding something.
“Urgh.” Beanie groaned as he looked through his Naughty magazine
collection. “Hot Ogre Housewife’s? No thanks…” He tossed the magazine into a nearby bush. “Hot
Ladyships! Now this is more like it!”
“Beanie you traitor!” Ryan snatched the Magazine from his hand.
“Keeping this collection to yourself!” Then he whispered. “I understand the others, but me of all people?!”
Ryan.” Beanie said. “But you never gave me back my last collection when I lent em you!”
you, the priest caught me with them and burnt them!” Ryan lied; he still had Beanies collection hidden under his bed
“Yeah right!” Beanie picked up his collection and walked off. Ryan looked at the Magazine he snatched
“Exotic Elf’s?” He cringed. But all the same pocketed it.
Later on, Ryan was looking
around for some grub, when a smell caught his nose…
“Beer!!” Ryan Yelled. “I can smell Beer!!!”
The others all came a running to see what was going on. On the horizon, on the other side of a river, an Inn could be seen.
Ryan made a dash for the bridge, the other in hot pursuit. But as his foot touched the wood…
“Get off o
my bridge!” a voice shouted, and Ryan was thrown back into the others, knocking them over.
“What you playing
at!” Bono shouted.
“My spleen!” Jim cried.
“Who’s got hold of my bum?” Skarloey
“Don’t look at me!” Alaric defended.
“Nor me!” Chris added.
have Order!” Halford called.
“Left hand red!” Christopher joked.
After a few minutes of careful strategy,
the Knights finally managed to get themselves un-stuck. And looked at the big green Ogre guarding the bridge.
is my bridge!” He yelled. “Keep off!”
“Please good Ogre!” Christopher called. “Let
us pass! We are on a quest for peace!”
“Like I care!” The Ogre shouted back. Our Heroes were desperate
for a cold brew, so started to plan the siege of the Ogres Bridge, then Skarloey made an important discovery.
and Bono are gone!” He cried. “The Ogre must have eaten them!”
“How could you!” Alaric charged
at the Ogre. Who just groaned. He grabbed Alaric by the head and threw him into the air. The other gasped in despair, and
disappointment. As Alaric landed safe and sound, on the other side of the Bridge. He put thumbs up to the others, and entered
the Inn for a couple of swift half’s.
“That’s a good idea…” Ryan pondered. He charged for
the Ogre, who just booted him in the chest. Sending Ryan flying back into a tree.
“I know a way to get past him!”
Beanie shouted, and ran back to the camp, he searched through the bushes until coming back across the magazine he threw away
earlier, he had to fight against a sleeping Owl to get it, but in the end, he won by a feather. He returned to the bridge.
good Ogre!” Beanie shouted. “Can we make a trade to cross you’re bridge?”
“What did you have
in mind?” the Ogre asked.
Soon enough, the remaining Knights crossed the bridge and joined Alaric in the inn, who
had some other company.
“Chris and Bono?!” Jim cried. “We thought you were eaten?”
not.” Bono answered.
“We did the smart thing and swam across the river.” Chris chuckled.
why didn’t I think of that?” Christopher muttered. While everyone talked, no one noticed Ryan, who had the Inn
keeper at Sword point.
“Give me every drop of Ale in this place!” He yelled.
Our Heroes had at last arrived. Castle Dan was now on the Horizon.
And you could tell just by looking at it, that it was like a Pig hut. They decided to rest and then attack on the following
day. It was hard to find a good camping area, as the whole Kingdom was just on big swamp. But when they finally did find a
suitable spot by a river. Which was full of sludge.
“What is this stuff?” Jim poked the sludge with a stick.
“Looks like a cross between Cow dung and Bono’s cooking.”
“My cooking’s not that bad.”
Bono defended. “At least my Bacon sandwiches are nice.”
“Yeah when it’s not brittle.” Ryan
said. “Can’t you cook anything besides Bacon?”
“No not Beans.” Halford
joined. “Otherwise we’ll have Chris up all night letting off Gas.”
“We’ll have less of that!”
“Who was it who let that one off at the Kings Wedding Reception?” Halford questioned.
it wasn’t me.” Chris pouted. “It was somebody else.”
“I bet it was Jim.” Skarloey accused.
“He had Beans the day we left!”
“What about Beanie?” Christopher asked.
“Were is Beanie
anyway?” Ryan added.
“Stuck up that tree.” Skarloey pointed up.
“Hey guys. A little help?”
“What are you doing up there!” Ryan shouted.
“I saw a Squirrel on the floor; he came
after me so I ran.” Beanie answered.
“Beanie.” Bono sighed. “You do realise that Squirrels live
in Trees?” Beanie pondered this thought.
“Help! Help get me down!” Beanie panicked.
you be scared of a Squirrel?” Chris laughed. “I mean their cute and cuddly.”
“Like that one?”
Beanie pointed behind them. Sure enough, a little Brown Squirrel was looking at them not blinking, just staring.
a cute little fella!” Jim steeped towards it. “Come here little Squirrel!” The Squirrel looked up at Jim,
then screamed angrily and leapt at Jim. “Arrgh!” Jim yelled.
“Holy Monk!” Bono shouted. And all
the nights followed Beanie up the tree. Jim joined them.
“Were’s Alaric?” Christopher said.
beast must have kidnapped him!” Skarloey answered.
“I don’t think Alaric’s dumb enough to get kidnapped
by a Squirrel.” Ryan sighed. The Squirrel hissed at our Heroes from the Bottom of the tree.
it think to just climb up?” Chris said.
“Don’t say that you’ll give it Ideas!” Bono shushed.
“How could such a creature become so evil?” Halford moaned.
“Try that Sludge.” Christopher
said. “Using my Wisdom, I can tell hat is full of psychoplasma and medochlormania.”
Everyone else asked.
“Evil Gunk.” Christopher sighed.
“Ooooh why didn’t you say so?”
Wisdom do that?” Jim asked.
“Not really.” Christopher chuckled. “I used this Book on “Evil
Gunk for Dummies.” Very Useful.”
The Knights stayed up the tree for about on Hour. Bored. Bono used his
Sword to carve a into the tree. Skarloey and Jim played Conkers.
Chris fell asleep. Christopher, Halford, Ryan and Beanie
were playing cards, much to Halfords annoyance. When at last their saviour came through the woods. Alaric.
Bono gasped. “What’s that behind you…?” Stood behind Alaric, stood a big Green Dragon, who had a Chain
around its neck, Alaric held the other end.
“I call her Myfanwy.” Alaric patted his new Pet.
Dragon?” Ryan sighed. “Were did you find it?”
“It’s a her.” Alaric corrected. “We
met in the woods, we got talking… and she agreed to help us!”
“A Dragon?” Ryan couldn’t grasp
“Yes a Dragon!” Alaric said again. “What’s that Squirrel doing?”
Chris woke up. “It’s mental.”
“You sure he’s just not drank some psychoplasma and medochlormania?”
Alaric asked. Everyone looked at Christopher.
“Yes he has.” He answered.
“Do not worry my Friends.”
Alaric steeped foreword. “I and Myfanwy shall handle this!”
“My Heroes…” Skarloey said.
Myfanwy!” Alaric ordered. Myfanwy roared and took off into the sky. Circling the Deadly Squirrel.
to get rid of a Squirrel.” Halford sighed. The Dragon swooped down on the Squirrel, who jumped up and slashed the Dragons
neck. Myfanwy cried under the pain, but then just simply grabbed the Squirrel and through it into the woods. The Knights Cheered
as they climbed down from their tree, and greeted Alaric.
“So can I keep her?” Alaric asked. “I’ll
walk her everyday and feed her.”
“Sure fine.” Ryan groaned. “She’ll be a great help to Attack
While our Heroes rejoiced. There was no-good doing going on in the Dungeons of ESF castle.
you’re going to marry her?” Kshronyo asked FlyingS. “Just to annoy Skarloey?”
have given me that Holy Grail.” FlyingS said. “But he didn’t.”
“Every Knight must get their
own Grail.” Kshronyo sighed. “I use mine to store Fox droppings.”
“Why do you do that?”
a hobby I guess. But what about this Bishop?” Kshronyo pointed to another Cell.
“I hear he’s a good drawer.”
FlyingS nodded. “But yet no good at being a Bishop.”
“I wonder if he can draw a fox…”
it out with the Foxes!” FlyingS yelled. “Anyway, he shall Marry me and the Girl, even if he is crap at it.”
if she’s already Married, and then you Two get married that’s Bigamy.”
“We here at ESF don’t
care about Life Issues.” FlyingS said. “Even tough that’s what everyone seems to talk about. It all sounds
gibberish to us.”
“That’s the problem with this Kingdom; everyone talks Gibberish, if we didn’t
Translator, we wouldn’t make any sense.”
“The Biggest Gibberish speaker in all the lands
is Moogle.” FlyingS pointed out. “And he spends all his time just talking absolute crap; he makes Gibberish sound
“Back to the point…” Kshronyo muttered. “So if we both take Skarloey together,
they don’t stand a chance.”
“Ah, but now Ianfox shall be joining us, he was lonely so I invited him to
“I bet he asks for the ring. Every time something new comes out, he asks to borrow it, but you
never get it back.”
“The Marriage is tomorrow.” FlyingS walked to the bars and looked at the girl. “This
will P*ss Sir Skarloey off.”
It was the day. The siege of ESF Kingdom was about to begin. Our Knights were waiting on the outskirts
of the castle, planning their move, which would change the fate of their Country all together…
a fast runner?” Ryan asked his friends.
“Why?” Asked Skarloey.
“So he can run back and get our
Armies.” Ryan answered.
“Are you serious?” Christopher asked.
“Yeah.” Ryan simply said.
came all this way, and now you want one of us to run back and get the armies?” Christopher added.
“Why do you
want to go?”
“No I don’t. Make Chris go.”
“Not me!” Chris exclaimed. “Make
“In you’re dreams!” Bono said. “Make Beanie go.”
Beanie asked. “I mean… Make Halford go.”
“I say Alaric goes on Myfanwy.” Halford suggested.
Obviously the smart one.
“Just because I have a Dragon, which could make things much easier for us, doesn’t
mean I’m going to let you take advantage of her!” Alaric argued.
“Alaric. She’s a Dragon, not you’re
girlfriend.” Bono said.
“Sure she’s not…” Alaric said, with a pinch of denial.
then.” Ryan said. “Since Alaric’s having it off with the Dragon. Jim’s going to have to run back and
get the army.”
“Why me?” Jim asked. “Why am I going all of a sudden?”
cruel.” Skarloey laughed.
For some strange unknown reason. Jim managed to get home and bring up the Armies within
an Hour, much to the Knights anger.
“How did you do that?!” Ryan stormed. “We travelled for days! And
it took you an hour?!”
“I took a shortcut.” Jim replied. Instead of going through the Forest, I went
“Christopher!!” Ryan yelled. But Christopher had done the wise thing, and hid.
When all the
Armies were finally sorted out, the Knights thought it right to admire Bono’s “Secret” Army.
Monks?” Ryan laughed. “Warrior bloody Monks? What the hell they going to do? Sin them to death?”
don’t want to get them angry pal.” Bono warned. “You want to see what they did to I guy who said Church
“Going to Church, is the way to peace.” A Monk said.
“And eating Beans is the way
to fart.” Ryan said. “Are you serious about letting these fight?”
“Well you’re letting Chris’s
killer Postmen fight aren’t you?” Bono questioned. “And that’s just plain silly.”
Skarloey’s Blood thirsty Peasants.” Jim added.
“Alright!” Ryan said. “We’ll let them
fight. Everybody get ready.” Ryan took position in front of his Berserkers, who were still weary after there last battle.
Ryan started. “Today, we are not fighting for personal issues. We are fighting for the life’s, of those who don’t
want to be spammed to death by this S**t hole. We fight for Honour! Glory! And….”
Then a trooper farted. “Alright…”
Ryan grunted. “Who let one off?” While Ryan tried to give the Armies a good stern talking to. Bono and Chris were
watching a Berserker, tormenting one of his Monks.
“Church is a waste of time.” The Berserker said. “I
mean I’d rather be stuck in Hell then go there.”
“That can be arranged…” The Monk said. He
drew his Sword with remarkable speed, and sliced the Berserkers head clean off.
“Crap.” Said the Berserker,
whose head then slid off his neck and onto the floor. Ryan’s Berserker’s were now worried about Life.
an Old Women, now Monks!” One mumbled. “What’s next? Killer Postmen.” Then he looked to his side.
A Postmen said. A puddle appeared at the Berserkers feet.
When Ryan had at last got his Army in order, he shouted the
Charge. Dust flew into the Air as the Army ran towards Dan’s castle. Skarloey’s blood thirsty peasants seemed
to run like Dogs, on all fours. But about Halfway there, all the Army fell down into a massive pit full of Wolfs. The Knights
hadn’t run at all. They stood were the Army had set off, cruel buggers. They watched and heard their Army fight off
the Wolfs. Then Ryan turned around and Saw Bono’s Monks and Chris’s Postmen were still here.
the Hell are you still stood there for?” Ryan yelled.
“We saw a sign of Death.” A Monk replied. “God
smiles down on us.”
“What sign?” Ryan asked frustrated.
“This one.” The Monk said. He
moved aside to reveal a wooden sign.
Danger. Pitts full of Wolves
precisely halfway towards the Castle from this point. All ye who don’t see this sign are Morons.
Love Lord Dan.
gaped at the sign.
“We were smart enough to Listen to the Monks.” A Postmen called out.
was a waste.” Halford sighed.
Later on, the Knights were now plotting another way to get into Dans castle. But
all there minds were blank.
“How about Alaric’s Dragon flied us over?” Beanie said.
I say earlier?” Alaric argued.
“We know!” Christopher said. “We’ll think of something else…”
know!” Jim said.
“What??” Said all the others.
“Oh…I’ve forgot now…”
Jim said. The Knights groaned.
“I have one!” Chris said.
“If you’re going to forget shut it.”
“Since Alaric is meant to be some kind of Assassin, he could scale the walls, kill the Guards and open
the gates!” There was a silence.
“Bye George he’s got it!” Jim cried.
Alaric asked. “Somebody I should know about!?”
“Could you do it?” Ryan asked.
Alaric reassured. “Just get in as soon as I open the gate, I don’t want to stay in there by myself.”
Heroes took to hiding in a bush, while Alaric snuck up towards the castle walls. He was covered in a leaves and branches to
look like a small bush. As he creped closer and closer, he realised that there was a moat.
“Are all my mates blind?”
He said to himself. He proceeded to the Moat. He took out a grappling hook and rope. He threw it up and over the wall. He
swung over the moat, smacking into the wall.
“Ouch…” he muttered. He began to climb.
who were still in the bush, watched Alaric climb up and over the wall.
“Right then.” Halford said. “This
is how I see it. Skar, Jim and I shall go attack the Dungeons and Church to find the lasses, and don’t give me that
look I’m not going to damage the Church Monk!”
“Besides.” Said Bono, “with the State on that
place, I don’t think God would want a church there!” The Monks agreed.
“Then.” Halford continued.
“Chris and Bono shall meet Alaric and then search the place for their Stuff. While Ryan, Christopher and Beanie attack
Dans keep, and capture the Black Knight. Any questions.”
“Yeah.” Ryan said. “Why do you get to
make the plan?”
Alaric was nearly over the wall. Then they thought this was the best time to attack. They rallied
up the army, and charged at the Castle. Again. But when they passed the Pit were their Armies were still fighting off the
wolfs, they saw in what was a Laughter and despair, as Alaric was threw over the castle walls. He landed safely in the moat
with a SPLASH.
“Bloody comedians!” He blew water out his mouth. He quickly joined the Knights as they retreated
back up the woods. Arrows flying everywhere.
They reached safety.
“I am devastated.” Bono said.
I tried!” Alaric screwed up his Hat, getting the water out.
“No not that.” Bono corrected. “I mean,
what Crap aim their Archers have!”
“You make it sound like a bad thing!” Skarloey gasped.
it is for them!” Halford said.
“Now what?” Beanie sighed.
“There’s always the Trojan horse
gag.” Christopher suggested.
“There not dumb enough to fall for that!” Jim said.
is bad is possible at ESF.” Bono said wisely.
“Hey I’m the wise one!” Christopher snapped. “Anything
that is bad is possible at ESF.”
“Wise words…” Bono muttered.
“But if we were to do it
differently…” Chris pondered. “And I know just the way!”
“Not another one of you’re
plans!” Alaric said. “If it involves me climbing a wall, or Myfanwy flying over, then get lost!”
Postmen.” Chris turned to his Army. “I need to put all you’re Knowledge to the test. We must build a Post
“I see were this is going.” Bono said.
“Its not going anywhere, is hasn’t been
built yet.” Jim sighed.
After hours of splinters and raiding Farms later, a red Post Cart with Chris’s
mail Logo was making its way up to the castle. Chris was steering, he was wearing a very dodge looking moustache.
you’re foot out of my back!” Bono cried from under the covers.
“I will if you get on you’re side
of the Cart!” Skarloey snapped.
“Alaric you fool!” Christopher said. “Were’s Myfanwy?!”
waiting for my signal with the other Army.” Alaric answered. “I mean, she couldn’t fit in the cart could
“Be quite you lot!” Chris hissed. “Were nearly there!” The Guards called down to Chris.
is you’re Business man who talks to Mail?” The first Guard asked.
“I’m selling Cookies!”
Chris snarled. “What do you think dummy?”
“He only asked!” The second Guard defended.
I’ve better things to do then delivering Mail to this dump.” Chris said.
“Touchy.” The First Guard
started to open the Gate.
“Were in guys!” Ryan whispered. “Get ready!” Chris steered the Cart around
the back of a nearby Barn. Were all the Knights got out.
“This is it you lot.” Halford said. “After all
that were finally here. Chris, take Bono and Alaric and get the Gate opened. The rest of you know what to do.”
luck you guys.” Beanie said. And everyone went to their separate battles.
“Time to get my Wife back!”
Skarloey said, as he Jim and Halford preceded to the Dungeon.
“Time to get our Stuff back!” Chris said to
Bono and Alaric.
“Time to Kick Black Knights @$$!!” Ryan shouted to Christopher and Beanie.
Church is in Session
Skarloey JimBob and Halford ran off in the Direction of the Dungeons, each determined to
achieve their currant Goals. Apart from Jim, who had just tagged along for the fun. But just as the Trio turned past a Cow,
who tried to whack them with her walking stick for causing a ruckus. Halford made an important discovery…
are the Dungeons anyway?” He asked the other two, who came to a halt.
“I thought you knew!” Jim looked
“Me?” Skar said. “I was following you!”
“Well how do we find it?” Halford
“Ask for directions?” Jim suggested.
“You mad?” Skar exclaimed. “Nearly everyone
in this Pit hates our Guts!”
“Well they hate YOU.” Halford corrected. “You kept shouting Abuse
a them when the Kings Celebrations were on.”
“They looked at me funny….” Skar muttered. Jim had
proceeded to a nearby hovel, and tapped on the door. Halford dashed over and was about to Throttle him when the door opened.
A women, very white and Pale stood there, mouth open, with great Bags under her eyes.
“Been shopping?” Skar
“Uh” The women replied.
“Yes…Well can you tell us were the Dungeons are Madam?”
“Uh.” Came the reply.
“From my Calculations she is suffering from severe lack of proteins
and Vitamins.” Jim announced. “In other words…” He whispered to Skar. “She has suffered a spam
“A spam attack?” Skar said. “She’s had nOObs spamming her?”
Jim replied. “Watch.” He turned to the women. “Lovely day for a bit of Spam isn’t it my dear?”
The Women, reacted in a peculiar way.
“NO! No please leave me be! I promise to pay my taxes! Please spare me!”
you.” Jim said.
“Listen Lady.” Halford said. “Either tell us were the Dungeons are, or my mate
here will open a can of Spam @$$ on you!”
“I cannot betray my Kingdom!” The lady replied.
place is a dump!” Skar said. “Call this a Kingdom? More like a Rat hole.”
“True.” She replied.
“But it’s just not right.”
“Alright then.” Halford smiled a Dastardly smile. “Have
it your way…” With this, Jim cracked his Fingers….
dok?” Jim seemed to say from the Authors view.
“AAAAAH!” The Lady screamed. “STOP PLEASE!”
us then!” Halford said.
dtheovurdaywhenialsomeetivohughwhosaidhewasstarrininserires10!!!!11111111” Jim continued.
“I GIVE! I GIVE!”
The lady said. “It’s round the corner….” And with that, Jim took a deep breath, and they vanished
like the wind.
They Trio arrived. To a hideous sight…
“Empty!” Skar shouted. “Empty! Empty!
What am I shouting for?”
“I’ve heard that phrase before somewhere…” Jim said.
it’s not empty…” Halford pointed to a Cell. In it, some lass were sleeping, her face hidden.
could be her from the Beach Of Soding.” Jim told Halford. “You promised to set her free remember.”
Aye.” Skar agreed. “Go on Halford we’ll be behind you.” Halford gulped, and then opened the Cell,
which made the loudest screech. The Girl moved in her sleep, shifted up, and looked around. She was a good looker, not as
good as Skar’s though.
“Are…you from Soding?” Halford stuttered.
“Beg your pardon?”
“Are you, from the Beach of Soding?” Halford rephrased.
“Oh yes.” She replied.
“I was brought here by some short guy. He spoke a very funny languge…”
“MyLanguge is no funnie!”
Came a Voice. The three turned around, to see….Ianfox!
“Ianfox you prick!” Skar shouted. “Get lost
“No doing.” Ianfox replied. “Ur messing wik my las!”
“You have no right to keep this Maiden against her Will.” Halford said.
“Wat u onna boat?”
Ianfox laughed. “She was all ova me!”
“Yeah you wish!” The Maiden yelled. “No matter how
desperate a women was, I think she’d rather suffer!”
“How dar u?” Ianfox shouted.
is my Wife you Grammer-cursed Oaf?” Skar called.
“U meen FlyingS’’s’s wif!” Ianfox
chuckled. “Ther at the Church getting marred.”
“Not if I can help it!” Skar said.
Jim. You go get her, I’ll take care of this dumb Git.” Halford said.
“Okay sure.” Came the reply.
Halford shouted. “You’re suppose to make a Dramatic speech like. “Halford are you sure?”
it’s Ianfox!” Skar laughed. And he and Jim headed out towards the Church.
“Jus u an me halfod.”
Ianfox drew his sword. “Prepare 2 b defeeted.”
“Fat chance.” Halford drew his sword as well. Soon,
the two were Fighting. Swords smashing, fists flying and Steel Boots coming into contact with Ianfox’s buttocks. This
fight is so Dramatic, that the Author cannot describe it. (Nah, he’s just lazy.) But soon, Halford decided to let Skar
and Jim have the spotlight, so he picked Ianfox up and threw him into a cell and slammed it shut.
Ianfox was nearly in tears. “Ill gets u nxt time!”
“Kids shouldn’t play with Knives!” Halford
said. “Think of this as grounding!”
“My Hero in shining Armour!” The lass came from her cell and
“Actually it’s Knight in shining Armour.” Halford corrected. “But what’s
it matter? Let’s go and help Skar and Jim!”
FlyingS were inpatient. The Bishop had no Idea how to get him
married, and this made him angry.
“What kind of Bishop doesn’t know how to marry people?” He thundered.
“This isn’t Catapult Science!”
“It is with me!” The Bishop replied. Then turned his Bible
upside down. “I never got used to this!”
“Jus get it done!” FlyingS moaned.
“No no! Take
your time!” Skar’s Bird smiled.
“I have a funny feeling you don’t want to get married to me…”
“No! Really?” She said.
“If you won’t marry me, then it’s off with your
head!” FlyingS drew his sword.
“Please.” The Bishop said. “This is a church you know.”
could not care less.” FlyingS said. He pushed the poor girls to the floor. “Now then Its either marriage or death.”
look! Now my dress is all dirty!” She said.
“Stop you fiend!” Skar yelled from the back of the Church.
Eliot.” Jim sighed.
“Surely you can think of a better thing then “fiend”.
on then smarty. You say one.”
Jim cleared his throat. “OI! You big sack of Crap!”
“Is that it?”
its better then fiend.”
“Lets just call him Crook alright?”
“Yeah sure.” Jim agreed.
Skarloey! We meet again!” FlyingS said.
“Knock off the Crap.” Skar said. “Now hand over MY wife
and no one gets hurt!”
“Oh, hey Truro!” Jim shouted to the Bishop.
“Oh alright guys...Err. Where
are the others?”
“Oh, you’ll find out in the next two Chapters.” Jim answered.
FlyingS taunted. “This is what you wanted, come and get me!”
“I didn’t come for you, I came for
my love!” Skar hissed.
“Oh her?” FlyingS, smiled. Then Grabbed her and put his sword under her throat.
“You want her, come get her.”
“You touch her and I swear to God…”
Truro shouted. “This is a Church remember!”
“Oh sorry.” Skar made a quick cross sign on his chest.
“You touch her and I promise, I will do something so bad, it will go down in history.”
getting onto the Imperial holonet to my friends on Coruscant in the Core Worlds, and get Darth Vader and his chums to fetch
the Death Squadron, consisting of the Star Dreadnought Executor and half a dozen mile-long Imperial-class Star Destroyers
to come and orbitally bombard your collection of Learning Curve models and DBA Productions!"
“Have you been drinking Again?” Truro said.
“Eliot.” Jim said. “We are in the past,
there’s no such thing yet.”
“But it distracted him.” Skar said. He looked around. Truro had wracked
his Bible over FlyingS’s head. Who was now laid out on the floor.
“Now then.” Skar walked over to the
Knocked out Crook. “What should we do to him?”
“The Old Tar and Feather seems Appropriate.” Halford
“Oh my love!” His wife hugged Skar.
“It’s all over now Emma. You’re safe now.”
away from all this Mushy stuff, I don’t think the Audience would want to have described to them these two love birds
kissing.” Jim nodded.
“Indeed.” Truro agreed.
“I hope the others are alright…” Halford
Chris, Alaric and Bono were finding it hard to locate the whereabouts of their stuff. This
was because; no bugger knew where they were!
“Is there an Information booth around here?” Bono asked.
swear we have been past that Inn more times then I’ve been knighted “Sodors funniest man”.” Alaric
“What’s the name of the Inn?” Bono enquired.
“The Rusty suit of Armour.” Chris replied.
could really go for a pint.” Bono pondered.
“I wouldn’t try it.” Alaric warned. “With the
state of this place you may find a floater at the top!”
“Urgh.” Chris shuddered. “Still, we may
find some Info on we’re our stuff is!”
“Better then walking around in circles…” Bono sighed.
They entered the pub. Large men were hanging around, drinking and playing medieval darts.
“Ayup lads.” One
said. “Foreigners.” All the action stopped, and they looked at our Heroes.
“Now what you flogging?”
Another said. “Better not be some lower grade sandals. Some Git from the SiF kingdom tried flogging us a load.”
Chris and Bono looked to Alaric, who was reaching for the door.
“Oh no you don’t!” The man lunged for
Alaric, who ducked and he flew into the door with a crash.
“That was my wrestling partner!” Another came over
and picked Alaric up by the neck. “Time to teach you a lesson!”
“I’ve always wanted to learn Spanish.”
Alaric gasped. Bono then picked up a chair and smashed it on the blokes head. Who let Alaric go and turned to him.
you want some an all eh?!”
“Oh ****!!” Bono ran. The bloke running after him. He slid over the top of
a table, the bloke crashing into it turning it into saw dust. Then Bono ducked under another Table. The Bloke did a pile diver
into it. To land on top of a giant anvil. He groaned and laid Frozen on top of it. All the other men were not happy. They
started to gang up on our Heroes, who quite frankly, were laying Bricks in their Armour.
“What do we do now?”
“I have a plan…” Chris said.
“So…Then…she told me….I was
dumped!” Chris sobbed. All the angry men were now in tears. Blowing their noses, hugging each other. Just basically
“I was…. heart broken for years!” Chris carried on. “After all I did for her!”
no more…” A man blobbed. “My little heart cannot take much more!”
were is the Ware bouts of Sir Bonners Engine and Sir Chris’s post cart?*Sob*…” Chris faked.
the cliff side….” Another cried. Blowing his nose.
They were soon outside a big Barn. The Cliffside behind
it, leading into the sea.
“Friendly init?” Bono joked.
“Oh yes, the Architect must have been an expert.”
Alaric groaned. “Come on lets get it over with!” It took the three just to get the door open. When they finally
did, at the back, was Sir Bonner’s engine and Sir Chris’s post cart coupled behind it.
Bono called. “You’re unharmed!”
“Wich is mor than U can say!” A voice called. Our Trio looked
up. A sinister figure dropped from the Ceiling it was…
“Moogle you Twit!” Bono shouted. “Get out
of my way!” Moogle said nothing. (This in his case is a miracle.) He clicked his Fingers, and about half a dozen Ninjas
dropped from the Ceiling.
“And I too!” Came yet another voice. From in the Shadows, another figure appeared.
“Yes! It is I! FosterFan! Master of Stealing other Peoples Identities!” He stepped further into
the light. “Behold!” He turned around and was now wearing a Donkey costume.
“What a @$$...” Chris
“Enuf of this!” Moogle said. “Its time 2 end this!”
“Wait one moment…”
Alaric said. “I just want to, even out the numbers a little…” Alaric took out his flute and began to play.
The ground began to shake. Hay fell from the top of the barn. Cows began to yell and run to their Hovels. Chris and Bono were
wandering what Alaric was up to. They soon found out.
A Stampede of Chickens ran through the barn. Clucking loudly.
Dust flew up as they left a trail of Destruction in their wake. Bono and Chris hung onto the support beams of the barn for
dear life. The Ninjas however, were not so smart. They were carried away by the Chickens. Moogle jumped onto the Next level
of the barn, and FosterFan turned into a chicken so he would be left alone. When the Chickens were all gone, and the noise
dyed down, Moogle jumped back down.
“U ignarunt little peanuts brains!” He said. “I spent howers training
“And now my Costume is all dirty!” FosterFan complained. “You will all pay dearly for that!”
Alaric just stood there. He then picked up a Barrel, and rammed it over FosterFan’s head.
“Who turned out the
lights?” FosterFan mumbled from under the Barrel. Alaric then booted him in the side, and FosterFan rolled out of the
“Sum help he was.” Moogle sighed. “But me an my ninja powers can take u all!”
up. A Hay bale was attached to a rope above Moogle. He picked up a nearby axe.
“Would you like the Honours?”
He said to Chris.
“Don’t mind if I do!” Chris took the axe; he then swung at the rope, which was attached
to a nearby beam. The Hay fell, dead on Target. Moogle was now knocked out under the bale.
“And that’s that.”
Bono clapped his hands. “And Alaric, give us warning next time you summon the Chickens will you?”
second that.” Chris said.
“Sorry guys.” Alaric apologized. “But it was a surprise, I bet you all
thought I was to summon Myfanwy!” Just at that moment, Skar, Jim and Halford appeared at the entrance.
good.” Jim said. “You’re all alright then.”
“So are you.” Chris said.
doesn’t.” Bono pointed out. “And neither does Skar, they look like their heads about to be swallowed by
“There are no clean Beds around here.” Halford laughed.
“Too much information.”
Alaric put his hand up. Hushing him.
“You two and do what you want with them girls later!” Bono said. “Right
now, let’s go help Ryan, Christopher and Beanie!”
“What about this lot?” Jim asked. Pointing to
Moogle and FosterFan, who was now under his foot.
“Tar and Feather.” Bono answered simply.
Bono lets hang em!” Skar said, leaving his Birds lips for a second.
“Nah.” Chris said. “Tar and
Feather seems much more appropriate. Then Bono, Chris and Alaric looked outside. FlyingS and Ianfox were sat in a Cart. Tied
“Tar and Feather Party tonight Guys and Gals!” Alaric announced.
The Final Battle
With Edits by Ryan
Dan, the Evil Knight and Kyshono were playing Strip-Poker in the Library. Another
fellow had joined them today; his proper name cannot be said of course, so for this story he will be called Monnast. The Evil
Knight was winning, but only because, no one dared to show their real cards out.
“I’ll raise you your sock.”
He growled to Monnast.
“Oh come one!” Monnast complained. “It’s pink! I couldn’t bear to
take it off.”
“Take it off or your head will be off!!” The Evil Knight roared.
“All right clam
down…” Monnast was on the verge of tears.
“Why are we playing Strip-Poker?” Dan asked. “What’s
wrong with Rummy?”
“Because we are all one big happy family!” Monnast smiled. “And I love you all!”
This was followed by a silence with Cricket noises in the background.
“You shut up and take your sock off!”
Evil Knight thundered.
“Well that was unexpected…” Dan said.
“I’m scared for life!”
Kyshono sighed. “And were the hell is Joey…I mean The Black Knight?”
“He’s popped to the
Little Knights room.” Dan said.
“OI! You!” Evil Knight yelled at Dan. “Get me Ale!”
CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF IN A MINUTE!” Evil Knight roared and thundered.
“Attitude problem or what?” Kyshono
“And if I were you…” Evil Knight turned on him. “I would KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! Or I wont
chop you head off, it will be your…
“Now now!” Dan returned. “There’s no need to take his
man hood away.”
“If he has one.” Monnast laughed.
“Put her there Pal!” The Evil Knight
shook Monnast’s hand. Just then, a bang could be heard from downstairs.
“Black Knight?” Dan called out.
you dolt!” Ryan hissed Our heroes were inside a corridor outside the Library, the candles were out so everything was
pitch black.. “Watch were you flaming step next time!”
“Blame the decorator!” Beanie retorted.
“Who in the right mind would put a Closet there?”
“Who in the right mind would want to go to the bathroom
when raiding a castle?” Christopher whispered. “You should have gone before we left!”
Ryan said. “Someone is coming!” the three hid inside Beanies discovered closet.
“Heres the plan!”
Ryan told. “We wait for them to come past, and then we take em hostage so we can gain access to Dan!” The other
two agreed, and they waited. When the footsteps were outside, all three rammed outside the door, and dog piled on the unfortunate
“GO!” Ryan yelled. He had his hand round the bloke’s mouth so he couldn’t speak. The charged
through the door. Using him as a battering Ram. Dan, Evil Knight, Kyshono and Monnast all jumped from their seats.
Gawd!” Ryan exclaimed. “Put some clothes on you mucky tarts!”
“This is sick!” Christopher
gasped. Beanie covered his own eyes.
“Ryan!” Dan said. “What are you doing here?!”
do you think?” Ryan yelled. “To stop that Git Joey…I mean The Black Knight! From becoming King! And if none
of you do what I say! The boy gets it!”
“Suits us.” Kyshono said. “Look.” Ryan looked down
to who he had hostage. A very angry looking Halford was looking up at him. Then the rest of the Knights piled through the
door, all half knocked out.
“When Doors attack!” Bono rubbed his head. “This place is as Gay as Swiss
“You watch ya d**n mouth!” A man said from outside the window. He had cheese for a hat on his
“What the…?” Chris looked up. All the rest then stopped soothing their poor bones, they fell into
hysterics at the sight! Bono didn’t, he threw up into a nearby Bucket. Then laughed.
“This is ridiculous!”
Alaric chuckled. “But still funny!”
“Now come on.” Christopher said. “Let’s get back
on track here.”
“Where’s that fiend Black Knight?” Skarloey asked.
shouted. “What did I say earlier?!”
“Fiend is rubbish.” Jim explained.
“Use better words like. Git or Tosser”
“I’m going to kill you all for interrupting my Game!”
The Evil Knight burst out.
“Whoa…” Beanie made a discovery. “Who cloned Jim?”
has an Evil clone?” Halford said.
“I want an Evil clone!” Alaric pouted.
“Well you can’t
have one!” Ryan said. “We’re too far into the story!” Then, the Evil Knight ran at our Heroes. Bono
dived behind a nearby bookcase; Chris ducked and covered his eyes. Alaric pulled a leaf off a nearby plant and put it in front
of his head.Skarloey pushed Jim in front of him.
“This is where it ENDS!” Ryan pulled his sword out. But couldn’t
get it out of it’s holder.
“Ruddy thing!” He yelled.
“HOCUS POCUS!” Christopher yelled.
“Hey,” cried a female voice, “never mind the hocus!”
A beam of green light sped towards the
Evil Knight, who took the spell full force in the head. He was launched back and wrecked the poker table.
Kyshono cried. “It was bargaining that table!”
“Bargain Hunters!” Bono poked his head out from
the book case. The Evil Knight came round and sat up. His head was now covered in a giant beard.
“Is that the best
you can do?” Chris sighed. “I’ve seen better tricks come out a Christmas cracker.”
how’s this!” Christopher took up his staff. “ABRA MABAGRA!”
“Abra what?” Jim asked.
This time a blue streak of light came out from the staff, and in a puff of Blue smoke, the Evil Knight reappeared as….
goldfish in a bowl?” Beanie exclaimed. The Goldfish began to head butt the bowl. At that moment, a Toilet flushing was
heard, and the Black Knight came out from the little Knights room. Toilet paper stuck to his boot.
“What I miss?
Oh….Crap.” He said. “So Knights of SiF, welcome to the Kingdom of ESF!”
“We got a welcome
from some Crazy Squirrel.” Halford said. “So get this fight over and done with.”
Ryan and the Black
Knight were circling one another as they prepared to duel. Both were equally as pissed off with one another, and envisioning
their first moves. “I’ve waited a long time for this moment, Lord Ryan!” smirked the Black Knight, “Waited
so long and patiently for my revenge…”
And so began another of his usual three hour essay-like rants, which
would probably take up about majority of 50 odd pages and bore the audience s***less. Ryan knew what the Black Knight was
doing! He knew he was trying to bore him to death, because really, the Black Knight was nothing more than a big pansy that
probably couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag…but there was one thing he was d**n good at, and that was boring
people s***less with his inane rants. “Losing…the will…to live!” Ryan grimaced as he tried to haul
his sword from it’s holder.
“…further more, I believe you to be nothing more than…”
IN ACTION!!!” Ryan cried manically as he finally managed to get his sword out!
But as he did, he thrust it into
the air and ‘Accidentally’ chopped The Black Knight Right leg off.
“That wasn’t very nice.”
Monnast said sadly.
“Oh bugger off you!” Ryan yelled.
“You devilish fiend!” grunted the Black
Knight who continued on with his pathetic ranting.
“The hell is he doing?” The Halford questioned, “Why
doesn’t the Black Knight fight back?”
Just then, he did! The Black Knight raised his two arms above his head,
with his sword ready to swoop down and split Lord Ryan in two (while at the same time trying to knock him out with the smell
of his BO). But Lord Ryan was quick, and instead chopped the Black Knight’s arms off.
“I always thought, apart
from your pathetic moaning, you were ‘armless!” Lord Ryan smirked, “You can hop along now!”
is an insult to everything I stand for…”
“Oh, we can fix that then!”
And with that, Lord Ryan
chopped off The Black Knight’s other leg as well! He was now just like a stump.
"Why did you chop off my arms and
hands?" The Black Knight Enquired.
"So I could do this!" Ryan pulled his foot back. Then… Clang! Went his Steel boot.
"Now you can sing in that TV show!" Ryan grabbed the Black Knights head.
"Songs of Praise?" Black Knight
"No, the Sopranos!" Ryan banged the Black Knights head on the floor. “He was a tosser! Who lived in a
fantasy world in his own little mind! He had one small brain, and now two short stumpy arms, two short stumpy legs and we
all know what else is small and stumpy don’t we? Hahahahahaaaa!”
“So…is that it?” Bono asked.
it…” Chris scratched his head.
“All that walking just for that.” Jim said.
“This was too
easy…” Beanie looked worried.
“Way… to easy…” Christopher pondered.
on guys!” Ryan joked. “No bloke can take and boot in the B*lls that bad! He’s out for the count!”
Then a squeaky snickering could be heard. And everyone turned around, to see the Black Knight. Standing up as if nothing had
“How could you have survived that?” Ryan gasped.
“Easy.” Black Knight whispered. “I’m
a sorcerer. I can make the pain go away, just not the squeak. Now…Behold my power!” The Black Knight summoned
his powers. A Black, tornado like cloud formed above the Castle. Black Knight disappeared up to the roof.
follow him?” Alaric asked.
“Duh.” Skarloey knocked his head. “Otherwise what was the point in coming
“To admire the scenery?” Halford pointed out.
The Knights of SiF, all ran to the roof.
it was time. They all gathered at the top. The Black cloud emitted Thunder and Lightening. The swirl, threatening to suck
them up into oblivion.
“Were is that Mental Loon?” Ryan looked around.
“Right here!” And the
Black Knight zoomed over head of them, and stopped in mid air, on top of a small Black cloud, that had electricity flowing
around it. “Welcome to my domain!”
“Could use a make over.” Jim said. “A Gargoyle could make
a good effect.”
“SHUT IT!” Everyone yelled.
“Good idea.” Black Knight said. And he pointed
to a Gargoyle Statue in the Corner. A Beam of red Light came out of his fingers. The Gargoyle cracked out of its Stone tomb.
And let out a blood thirsty roar.
“Kill them!” Black Knight ordered. The Gargoyle, stumbled towards our Heroes.
on you lot!” Alaric rallied up. “If we work together, we can defeat this beast!” Then the Gargoyle roared,
spitting on him. “Or maybe not.”
“No! He’s right!” Halford said. “Let’s take
him together!” And with that, the Knights stood bravely. Ryan drew his sword, Halford drew his, Beanie drew his two
Daggers, Skarloey pointed his Bow at the Gargoyle, Chris and Bono pulled out their two Samurai Swords.
know you were Ninjas” Alaric drew his Assassin swords also.
“Nether did us actually.” Chris said. Jim
took his sword, and Christopher pointed his staff.
“Altogether now…Charge!” And the Knights ran at the
beast, while Skarloey fired a load of Arrows, straight into the Beast’s chest. The Beast roared in pain. Then was over
powered by the Knights. Halford and Jim cut a finger off each. The Beast slashed out his claws, knocking Jim and Halford to
one side. Alaric was jumping all over the place, slashing and dashing at the monster. Chris and Bono did a double slash together;
slicing a giant wound in the Monster, then Ryan thrusted his sword into the Beasts open wound. The monster kneeled down. Before
being fire balled in his wound by Christopher. The monster fell to the floor. Defeated.
“Whoa…” Jim said.
“We did it!”
“It’s not over yet…” Bono gasped.
“Indeed.” Black Knight
agreed. “Now you prove worthy to fight me.”
“A Rat is worthy enough to fight you!” Ryan hissed.
Black Knight smirked. Before launching a ball of power at the Knights, who all dived either way to avoid it. Unlucky for Halford,
he rolled straight off the end! And was holding on for dear life.
“A LITTLE HELP?” He shouted.
coming!” Beanie ran towards him. But was stopped when the Black Knight threw a fire ball his way.
perish!” He shouted.
“No he won’t!” Skarloey yelled. And an Arrow zoomed at the Evil Wizard. Hitting
him in his arm.
“GAH!” The Black Knight growled in pain. “You Ignorant little Cumbrian!” He emitted
electric streams from his fingers, picking Skarloey up, and throwing him to one side.
“Oi! That’s my mate you’re
treating like a Doll!” Jim called. He picked up a crushed rock and hurled it at the Wizard, who took it full pelt in
his wounded arm.
“HELLO!!” Halford called.
“Someone help him up!” Ryan ordered. Beanie, Chris
and Bono rushed to the scene, and pulled Halford back up.
“Someone needs to lay off the Pork!” Bono heaved
“Another second and I would have been done for…” Halford took a breath of relive.
had enough of this!” Black Knight yelled. He emitted Red rays from his un-injured arm. Big blocks of Stone began to
levitate from the broken walls of the roof. He then moved his hand, and the Boulders began to zoom at each of our heroes.
Chris ducked, and his boulder hit the wall. Smashing it and the wall into smithereens. Alaric and Jim ran towards each other,
and then ducked. Their Boulders smashed into each other. Bono led his into the path of Skarloey’s, who was still getting
up after being thrown. Halford and Beanie ran together, and then ducked down the stairs, their boulders landed in the New
Treasury. Making the Black Knight even madder. Christopher simply blew his and Ryan’s into pebbles.
it!” Black Knight laughed. “Run like the Rats you are!”
“Look whose talking!” Ryan yelled.
The Knights were losing hope. No one could get near the foe. He simply blew them away.
“Now to finish you off once
and for all!” Black Knight roared. He put his hands to he sky. A ball of dark blue swirled in his hands. The wind began
to blow even more furiously. The black hole in the cloud, was trying to suck them up.
“May you for ever live in nothing!”
Laughed the Black Knight. But when all hope was nearly lost. A bright light shone in the distance. Then a while cloud, thundering
like the black one. Came above the Battlefield, it was in the shape of a man on a horse, it was…
Powerful!” Christopher exclaimed.
“What’s this?!” The Black Knight looked up. “NO!”
A beam of bright light filled the sky. And the Black cloud disintegrated into nothing. “This cannot be!”
it is!” Ryan roared. And the Knights with their remaining strength ran up to the powerless Wizard and beat the living
daylights out of him. Until he was a small puny man, lying zonked out. Blood pouring from his nose, lips and scratches. Then
the Knights looked up the White Horse. Which disappeared, back into the mountains.
“Now that a sight that won’t
be forgotten.” Jim said.
“Not in a million years…” Bono agreed.
The Knights were now flaked
out on the roof. The Monks had arrived and were now healing their wounds.
“What an adventure…” Bono said.
that deserves to be written down for future generations.” Chris suggested.
“I don’t think any bugger
here could be bothered.” Skarloey made a fine point.
“Too true.” Halford agreed.
Ryan said. “It’s nearly time to depart for home.”
“What about the remained ESFer’s?”
“Well.” Bono said. “If I think correctly, Dan will go off and start yet another Kingdom.
This will require us to go and sort out again.”
“Too true.” Halford agreed. “Then they’ll
probably have another game of strip-poker!”
“Please Halford.” Beanie nearly threw up. “None of
“Were’s Alaric gone?” Jim pointed out.
“Most probably to see that Dragon.”
Chris said. While our Heroes talked, no one noticed the Black Knight, crawl out of the Castle, and into the woods. Hopefully
never to darken the SiF Kingdom again…
Come To A End
The Knights stood at the edge of
the Forest. The path they stood on would lead them home. They were having a last look at the place before departing.
on; let’s get out of this dump!” Bono complained.
“Bono.” Alaric explained. “This is one
of those moments, were you just be quiet and look around for no reason.”
“Take in the air.” Jim took
a breath. Then choked on the Swamp fumes.
“So then.” Ryan addressed Dan. “What you gonna do now?”
Dan sighed. “Since the ESF kingdom was a disaster, I’m going to start another Kingdom; I shall call it, “Dans
“Realm of what?” Skarloey muttered.
“Of what?” Dan said.
mind.” Skarloey said.
“He never bloody learns….” Chris whispered to Beanie, who nodded in agreement.
with my new, second in command, it will be a success!”
“More like the opposite.” Truro said to himself.
“Why? Who is your new second in command?” Christopher asked
“Meet Jake!” Dan announced.
“Pleasure.” Ryan said. “So then Dan, good luck.”
“I won’t need it.”
Dan laughed. “I have a good feeling about this!” And he and his final Loyal Peasants, walked up into the mountains,
to start a new life. Of course Dan was wrong.
“So then.” Beanie said.
Bono sighed. “Time to go.”
“And that’s that adventure.” Alaric moaned. “Too bad it’s
over in it?”
“Shame.” Skarloey said.
“Come on you lot.” Ryan ushered them “Let’s
The Knights barely talked all the way home. They went the long way around, as Jim forgot were the shortcut
was. But about halfway, after dragging a Cart and an Engine. Bono discovered that his engine could move by itself. The other
Knights, who were too tired to knock the sense out of him, just climbed into the Cart and didn’t say a word. They finally
reached the crossroads, to their homes.
“Well then…” Chris said. “I guess this is goodbye then.”
not goodbye.” Bono explained. “Just, Bonjour.” The Knights all looked at each other, obviously, Bono was
rubbish at French.
“We’ll see each other again.” Skarloey said. “Just be a while as all.”
“Well then you lot. We best be off.” Ryan said. “I’ll see you all later.”
With that, the nights gave a last handshake to each other. And departed ways. Ryan, Beanie and Christopher one way. Chris,
Bono and Halford the second, and Skarloey, Jim and Alaric the other. Chris and Bono returned to their land. Bono decided it
was time for him to start again. So took his Monks and remaining Peasants, to Cornwall. And built a new life there. Chris
returned to his giant Post office of a Kingdom, and continued to train his Postman army. Skarloey, as soon as he got back.
Took his wife straight to the bedroom, for a royal ‘debriefing’. Jim took what he had, and he and Alaric started
their own Kingdom. Working together, they overcame anything. Halford returned the lass he saved back to the beach of Soding.
Were Kate was most grateful. The other women how ever, practically chased Halford out. But all was not bad, as the women he
saved, decided to return to his castle. Of course, this meant that he would have to get rid of the Exotic dancers, so he leant
them to Bono, who was most grateful. Ryan, Beanie and Christopher, arrived back home. Ryan took his now finally his Vodka
Recipe, and began to make it. Christopher returned to his study, while Beanie decided to do a bit of travelling through the
mountains. Truro, followed Bono to Cornwall, and is now in charge of his own little Village by lands end. All was now well.
Adventure was over.
But it wasn’t long before they were all reunited. Ryan held a big Party at his Castle. (See
Halford for more information). Everyone who was anyone was there. Skarloey brought his wife; they danced till Halford complained
about them hogging the dance floor. Christopher chanted the Vodka, so when they awoke next morning their hang over would be
even more unbearable. Bono, who was a rubbish dancer, was eventfully dragged up by one of the Exotic Dancers. He accidentally
stood on her foot, but she didn’t mind. Chris, when he was drunk, was the best dancer there. Alaric played his flute
with the band. He even managed to get rid of all the Rats for Ryan. Jim did an impression of the Chicken Dance, everyone threw
Tomatoes at him. Beanie sang to the music, using his various different voices. Chris made a discovery that night, what he
thought was a punch pot, discovered was the pot which Jim, the 522nd of the Land of Jams. Was captured in. He was released.
Truro drew the whole thing, and is now framed at the top of Ryan throne room. All an all, it was one good night. Getting drunk
and buggered up. But unknown to out heroes, something terrible was going on in the Forest…
A shadowed figure
was lurking in the bushes. He was in pain, his clothes were ripped, his skin scratched and weak.
“I will one day,
have my revenge!....Again!” He said. Then he noticed a moving in the bushes, so went to investigate.
what a cute little Squirrel!” The Squirrel went berserk. And the scream of the figure could be heard, well into the